How To Reach Orgasm During Sex Or Masturbation

If you think you cannot have an orgasm, or you cannot have an orgasm during sex, read on!

Many women keep a simple fact quiet: they have never had an orgasm by masturbation or during sex with their partner. And many women who can have an orgasm through masturbation or oral sex have never had an orgasm during sexual intercourse but want to enjoy this pleasure.

Whether you have never had an orgasm or you want to enjoy an orgasm during sex, we have the answers. But let's start at the beginning. Maybe you don't get sexually aroused; maybe you do, but you still don't reach orgasm during sex. The key question you want answering right now is: "How to have an orgasm during sex?" Read on....

If you don't get aroused or you can't reach orgasm during sex - or perhaps even masturbation - you are likely to be worried, confused or upset about it. If you've never had an orgasm, you're probably very keen to experience an orgasm and become fully orgasmic.

The great news is that this website is going to help you overcome your anorgasmia - your problems in reaching orgasm - and show you how to enjoy your body's orgasmic potential to the full.

Right now, you may be confused. You may be wondering why you are not already orgasmic. You may be wondering whether you'll ever have an orgasm, what it will feel like, and how it may change things for you. You may be wondering why it is so difficult to reach orgasm, why you have anorgasmia; you probably want to reach orgasm more easily, either during sex or masturbation. Becoming fully orgasmic is about enjoying your body to the maximum, moving into a place where you can enjoy your birthright as a woman - a liberated sexuality which allows you to revel in the sensuous nature of your feminine being. That's your sexual being, your feminine capacity to have orgasms, reached either by you or by your partner.

Of course, there are no magic formulae that will help you reach orgasm.....at least, none that we know of! You have to put a certain amount of effort into the process of overcoming anorgasmia, of becoming orgasmic, whether that's during sex or masturbation. So this website is about helping you to grow as a woman, to help you experience this fundamental human pleasure if you haven't yet had an orgasm, and to assist you if you are orgasmic but find it difficult to know how to have an orgasm during sex or masturbation.

The ideas explained here are the product of many years' working with women who wanted to enjoy the pleasure of orgasm or who wanted to reach orgasm during sex for themselves; they are women who expressed to us their fears and desires about sex, who told us what worked and what didn't on the path to orgasm, and how they felt when they reached a much more orgasmic sex life.

Of course, this isn't just about orgasm, pleasurable though that may be. It's about growing as a whole person, about becoming more sexual, more liberated, more fully in your body. It's about feeling sexual desire and arousal, and how you see yourself as a woman. Inevitably, it's also about your relationship with men (if you're a heterosexual woman) or other women (if your sexual attraction lies in that direction).

So one of the things we do is to explore your sexuality and your attitudes to it. No matter what you already know, or don't know, we will help you increase your understanding of sexuality in general, your own sexuality in particular, and your emotional and sexual relationships with others. All of this is an essential part of becoming fully orgasmic.

There are some really important things to remember about orgasms, especially if you've never had one. Top of this list is the fact that you don't need to have an orgasm every time you have sex or masturbate - sometimes, sensuous pleasure is enough - in other words, sometimes, the intimacy of sex, or the physical pleasure of touching each other or yourself, on your sexual organs or elsewhere, is actually all the reward you need from sexual contact.

Next on the list is the idea that if you've never had an orgasm, there must be something wrong with you. The fact is that for the sexual response mechanism of the body to work, it has to be opened up or sensitized, and sometimes this takes a little work in adulthood. Often your sexual arousal and orgasmic responses have shut down because of emotional or physical abuse - which doesn't necessarily mean overt sexual abuse in childhood. There are many forms of abuse, some of which are very subtle, but which can shut down a woman's sexual responsiveness and make her unable to experience orgasm. Happily, they are all reversible.

The third thing that we need to point out is that it isn't a problem if you feel like a sexual failure - at least in the sense that you can work things around so that you feel like a sexual success without too much difficulty. It's only natural to feel sexually inadequate if you have never had an orgasm, because the images of sexuality that surround us major on certain key things, most of which are in fact nonsense. So women are subject to a lot of imagery that suggests if they don't reach orgasm, they are "frigid", and that it may be necessary to try harder to get sexual success (i.e. an orgasm during intercourse). But trying harder will only push an orgasm farther away from you! And in the end, you may find that even strategies designed to maintain harmony in your relationship, like faking orgasm during intercourse, actually just make you feel even worse than you already do for not being able to orgasm. So, even if you feel bad right now, don't let this stop you reading the program for becoming orgasmic we've set out here! It's worked for 97.5% of the women who read it, and it will work for you!

There's no point wondering if you're the only woman in the world who's never had an orgasm! We know anorgasmia is a common thing. Up to 25% of women right now have never had an orgasm. Anorgasmia is normal! And it's caused by many factors, some of which you may not even be aware of right now. For example, if you were brought up in a home where sex was taboo, or frowned upon because of religious or social constraints, that will unquestionably have affected your attitudes to sex and to your body, and inhibited your arousal mechanism and your capacity to be fully orgasmic.

We already mentioned that sexual abuse, or emotional abuse, can affect your ability to relax into orgasm during sexual activity. And it doesn't have to be overt sexual abuse - even repeated negative remarks made by a significant adult during your childhood can lower your self-esteem to the point where you are unable to enjoy your sexuality fully.

Feeling different, being ridiculed, or experiencing embarrassing events around menstruation or body image can all traumatise a woman in a way that means she is desensitized to her sexual potential, leaving her unable to either feel sexually aroused or reach orgasm. And needless to say, the nature of your first relationships with men can have a massive impact on how likely you are - or not - to reach orgasm.

Of all these various factors which contribute to or detract from your ability to be orgasmic, though, first and foremost is this: how comfortable are you with your body, its functions, shape, appearance, tastes, smells, and fluids? How familiar are you with its nooks and crannies, and the way that you and your body respond to sexual stimuli? Since many women who have difficulty reaching orgasm have a poor body image as well as a poor sexual self-image, this is the place that our exploration of your orgasmic potential will start.

Together with all the other processes that we offer, it will soon become possible for you to enjoy all the different aspects of your body so that you can become orgasmic during self-pleasuring and sexual play with another person.

What will becoming orgasmic mean for you?

A lot of women fear the changes that becoming orgasmic may mean. In response, we'd say that overcoming anorgasmia is not something to be scared of - quite the opposite! Orgasms are a source of great joy, physical pleasure and sexual satisfaction, and being orgasmic will enhance the quality of your relationship dramatically, since nothing is as arousing to a man as making love to a woman who is herself fully aroused and enjoying her sexual capacity. It's even possible that you may reach orgasm during intercourse together with your partner.

But our words alone may not reassure you. You may have concerns about what it means to be a fully sexual woman, for social images of sexual women have not always been entirely positive. There are images of the seductress, the temptress, the female Mata Hari, and worse; essentially these are images of women who used their sexuality for negative, self-serving ends. It's possible for women to absorb these images all too easily, so that at some level they come to believe that female sexuality is not a good thing! Since being orgasmic is the clearest expression of female sexuality, the link between a lack of orgasm and a poor image of female sexuality is clear enough.

First and foremost, becoming orgasmic is not going to change your basic values. It will make you feel more relaxed and possibly more fulfilled. It may improve your relationship if it's already fundamentally sound. If you're in a poor relationship, becoming orgasmic is unlikely to have much impact on it. But as you become more orgasmic you are expressing more of who you are, as a woman and a human being. You are likely to be more in touch with your needs, wishes and desires, and find that your emotions mat be easier to express.

It's important for you to know why you wish to be orgasmic. Is it just a matter of sexual pleasure? Is it to serve someone else? Is it because you feel you need to grow, or you want to reward the person you are in relationship with? Or is is simply curiosity? None of these reasons are good or bad, right or wrong, but the most important thing is that have a sense of your own growth and development in this process. That's the way that you gain most benefit from becoming orgasmic.

This website guides you through exercises in a sequence which lead on from one to the next. Of course you may feel tempted to skip some of the sections if you've done similar work before, but we'd much prefer that you stay with us as we move on through the various stages of self-development.

We offer you exercises and techniques which will increase your ability to enjoy orgasms, and sometimes ask you to reflect on what you find out about yourself. It's worth taking the time to do this rather than cheating your self by moving rapidly on to the next section.....the reflection really helps you learn about your sexuality to stick in your mind......and you'll benefit from doing the exercises when you are not going to be disturbed by family, friends or work commitments.

By now you may be wondering how long it will take you to become fully orgasmic. The answer is around three months, although this varies from woman to woman. Stick to the plan, though, and follow it through, and you'll find that new horizons of sexual awareness open up to you rapidly. If you have any fears around the process, then remember that you can always email us for advice and support.

As a general rule, when you experience some unexpected emotions around one of the exercises, then it's likely to hold some significant meaning for you. This is the time to press on, not to stop! You'll undoubtedly have moments when you think, "It's not worth it", or "I'm not good enough", or "I'm never going to be orgasmic", or "It's a waste of time", or something similar, but the fact that you're reading this now means that becoming orgasmic is important enough to you to devote time and effort and money to the project: and that commitment will guide you through to success, provided you don't allow that internal voice which wants to maintain the status quo to keep you from experiencing your full potential, or to hold you back from feeling the pleasure of orgasm during sex or becoming orgasmic, or from knowing what it feels like to have an orgasm when you masturbate.

Of course, if you feel shame, guilt, embarrassment, anger or fear around these exercises, you may also feel that you wish to stop. But again, this is an indicator that you have hit on something significant, and in the face of that resistance, be gentle with yourself. One useful technique is simply to acknowledge that you feel the emotion, and then to move on. You can feel angry (say), just acknowledge it, and move on without allowing it to absorb you. On the other hand, you may want to follow the thought process through to some kind of conclusion, to work out what it all might mean for you. When you do this, you may or may not have some powerful insights, but it's all part of the process of opening up to your sexual nature and becoming orgasmic. If you can take a curious interest in the process without self-criticism, then so much the better.

And while we're on the subject of self-criticism, it's very important to know that if you don't complete an exercise, or it doesn't seem to work for you, the right response to this is acceptance, not self-criticism; as long as your overall progress is positive, then the odd setback where things don't go as well is not a matter of any importance. Be gentle with yourself, give yourself time, and enjoy the exercises.....there's no pressure on you to succeed, and no-one except your own internal critic will hold you to account for what happens as you embark on this adventure.

Your partner and anorgasmia - how men may see your inability to reach orgasm

You may well wonder how becoming orgasmic will affect your partner if you have one. If he has his own issues around sex - like premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or retarded ejaculation, then it's clearly important that he works on these as you work on developing your orgasmic capacity. It's also possible that if he has premature ejaculation, some of your own lack of sexual fulfilment could be due to the fact that he is not taking enough interest in your sexual pleasure and is gratifying himself at your expense. Clearly as your lover he has a responsibility to participate in the process of you achieving sexual pleasure (whether or not this means orgasm during intercourse) - so you can reasonably expect him to work on premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. However, this in itself is unlikely to be the whole answer - for example, if you are blaming him for your lack of orgasm because he comes quickly, and you think that if only he could enjoy sex for longer, you might reach orgasm, you have to ask yourself some searching questions. Comparatively few woman reach orgasm during intercourse through the man's thrusting alone. Most women enjoy an orgasm through oral sex or masturbation, or stimulation of the clitoris during intercourse. If you can't reach orgasm in any of those ways, blaming your partner is likely to be something of a smokescreen for your own issues.

Having said that, if he is unwilling to give you sexual pleasure, or to invest the time in helping you find out how best you can reach orgasm, then you may well have wider relationship issues to consider, issues that may lead to significant changes in your relationship.

We'd all like to know if there is a secret to living in a long-term relationship. It's probably true that most people start off in a relationship that could be described as "unaware". Transformation into an "aware" long-term relationship requires a much higher level of emotional and psychological awareness. Without this, you may stumble on in a frame of reference that probably does not include good communication or indeed satisfying intimacy or emotional connection.

It's often true that the things we seek early in life are illusions: this would include the idea, for example, that you could find a lifetime partner who was ideal, would make you feel happy, complete, and emotionally secure. Most people who marry young in the hope of finding these things are only disappointed, because they don't find true happiness or feelings of intimacy or security. Indeed it's often the case that what they actually get these emotional pain, and the process of self-discovery and healing -- if it takes place at all -- turns out to be a long one.

It's also true that many couples in relationship try and hide the way things really are, both from themselves and from each other. Others will hide their disappointment under a veneer of activity -- "distraction through action" -- but the truth is that the only way to establish a long-term relationship which fulfills both partners emotionally and psychologically is to stay conscious, become aware and work at consistently gaining insights, understanding, and emotional maturity.

Magical thinking is an obstacle to emotional growth and maturity: this would include, for example, beliefs such as "If only I could be a better partner, we wouldn't have any problems, and this would be a great relationship." Belief systems like this set you up for disappointment and unhappiness, but they do emphasize the need to change. Higher truths are gained over time, and by continuing to grow together, even when it seems too difficult and perhaps even painful to bear. It's only through personal work of the deepest kind that two people can enjoy the prospect of living happily together for a lifetime: after all, you're two different individuals, both growing and changing all the time, and even when you enjoy mutual support and care for each other deeply, there are still issues around personal boundaries, personal expectations, styles of relating, and need for independence [amongst a million other things] which can all get in the way of establishing honest and open communication with your partner.

It's very helpful to get therapy to assist you in tearing down the beliefs that keep you out of touch with your partner, and indeed out of touch with yourself, out of touch with your values, and possibly trapped in a mesh of misunderstanding and false beliefs that restrict your ability to operate freely and autonomously. If the worst comes to the worst you can always start your own work by questioning everything you do, learning skills that you lack like assertiveness, and rebuilding your own emotional foundations. But to be able to do this yourself is difficult: it's much easier to engage in such creative processes with a facilitator -- and that doesn't have to be a trained therapist, it can be a support group, it can be through the experiences gained on workshops and seminars, perhaps by journal writing, and even in some cases through simply enjoying the journey of life itself. Remember that growth is a process, not an event: growing in a relationship, to transform, and above all to heal yourself, you need to stay aware of that process, and not focus on the outcome. It's also extremely helpful to have a supportive partner to focus on positive feedback support and encouragement. Staying together over a lifetime is about being aware, alive, about seeking out the best that you can be in the sense of being the fullest and most complete human being, living your potential to the full.

You can continue with your sex life as you move through the exercises. If your partner is supportive, you can tell him what you're doing as you go, and invite him to participate. (For example, he may like to take part in the vulva appreciation exercises you'll be doing!) Once again, if issues come up for him, we'll offer pointers as to how he might deal with these. If he simply can't see why you have trouble reaching orgasm - because it generally isn't difficult for men to reach orgasm and ejaculate - then once again, you have relationship issues to think about. We'll discuss these later in the website. On the whole, if you're finding sex unpleasant, irritating or challenging in some way (like you don't want to be doing it), then the best thing may be to give it up while you move through the exercises. There are plenty of alternatives which you may well find more satisfying, and we'll tell you about these as we move on.

For now, suffice it to say that we regard the pleasures of foreplay as crucial to building sexual success. These include kissing, fondling, touching and caressing. If you've forgotten the pleasures of these activities in the pressure of needing or wanting to have sex, or to be come orgasmic, this can be a good time to rediscover them....and if you've never experienced them, this can be a great time to find out how satisfying they are.

As we said before, if sex is a negative or difficult experience for you, it may well be best to suspend intercourse and oral sex activities while you are learning how to enhance your orgasmic capacity. One way you can do this is to share the pleasure of masturbation.....either by you masturbating your partner, or by him doing it for himself while you support him. This may sound like a radical idea, for lots of couples keep their masturbatory activities secret from each other. However, masturbation is normal and natural, healthy, and a satisfying form of sexual expression: we know that a vast majority of men masturbate, and a large majority of women too. To be able to do this openly, together, is an important sign of sexual health and openness in a relationship; we'll offer more suggestions for how you can do this for each other later.

Another way you can do this is to enjoy massaging each other. This can be followed by masturbation if the man is aroused, instead of intercourse.

So the first two programs we include here are a program for successful masturbation without inhibition, with comments about how you can take intercourse out of the equation - at least initially - as you go through these exercises. Go here for this information.

We also have a set of instructions on how to conduct sensual massage. By "sensual", we mean simply a process which allows you to fully enjoy the sensual, sensory feedback of your body. It doesn't have to be sexual, which is how people often interpret the word sensual; it can just be a pleasant physical experience in its own right. Go here for this information.

The next step: find out how you feel about your own body as a step to becoming fully orgasmic

[ How to have an orgasm - home page ] [ If you cannot have an orgasm... ] [ Advice on masturbation ] [ How to be orgasmic - sensual massage ] [ Your body and orgasms ] [ Why you don't reach orgasm during sex ] [ Understanding your body ] [ How to have an orgasm during sex ] [ Reach orgasm through self-touch ] [ Becoming orgasmic - your body and sexual responses ] [ Becoming orgasmic - using a vibrator ] [ All about menstruation ] [ Becoming orgasmic - exploring your body ] [ Becoming orgasmic - low sex drive ] [ Becoming orgasmic - mutual masturbation ] [ Becoming orgasmic - sexual intercourse ] [ More on orgasm during intercourse ] [ What stops you reaching orgasm? ] [ Making sex better ] [ Enjoying the female orgasm ] [ Becoming orgasmic ] [ Reaching orgasm through oral sex ] [ Clitoral and vaginal orgasms ] [ What orgasm means to a woman ] [ What is anorgasmia and how can you overcome it? ]