How To Have An Orgasm During Sex or Masturbation

Things to watch out for on the road to achieving orgasm!

Sexual abuse during childhood is always wrong, but it damages some people much more than others. The after effects of abuse may well be a factor - some women at least - in why they have difficulty reaching orgasm. Unfortunately, you may not be able to remember the abuse - especially if you are defended against the painful memories. But such things always leak out and impact on your sexual responsivity. Things may come to light as your personal growth proceeds, but memories are not always literal depictions of the abuse - they are more useful as indicators of the quality of events that happened. One thing however is clear: how you feel about sex now will certainly depend to some extent on the type of sexual experiences you had as a child.

Depending on the circumstances of your abuse and how you reacted to it, and depending also on the level of support you received from the adults around you, sex may now range from something you hate to something to you enjoy but in which you are inhibited orgasmically.

If you believe that something from the past may be affecting you now, what can you do about it? The first and maybe most useful option is to get some professional therapy. If this does not appeal, or you can't afford it, then talking things through with friends may be a stepping stone on the road to recovery, though make sure you choose someone you can trust to support you. seeking some professional therapy is always one option. If you don't wish to do this, talking it through with a friend you can trust may be helpful: much of the pain and damage of sexual abuse is caused by the secrets, and the shame, which abusers put onto their victims. Once the secret is out in the open, things change - certainly for the abused, possibly for the abuser too.

So the first step in "recovery" is to have somebody witness (i.e. listen to) your story. That can be very liberating.

If you find yourself reliving the experience in your imagination, it's important to change the outcome in your imagination. For example, instead of just repeating a series of memories of the event, you could change the outcome by imagining that you are punishing the abuser, or simply telling them to stop and finding that you have power over them, or telling them that you won't submit to their wishes, or indeed any other outcome which seems appropriate or desirable to you. Bear in mind that fantasizing about killing or harming your abuser is only a fantasy - you may hold considerable anger towards the person concerned, and so the angry fantasy is completely natural. As an adult you have the power of choice and discrimination, a power that means you will not act out those things which you imagine in your mind. And, like all sexual fantasies, having an aggressive fantasy does not mean that you will actually do something - it is only your body and mind's way of expressing repressed feelings about the event.

Of course you are likely to feel anger and fear months or even years after any sexual abuse took place. Sexual abuse is a gross invasion of your personal boundaries, which can make you feel violated, ashamed, and angry. But it is unhelpful to be angry with all men - it wasn't "all men" who assaulted you. Thus the next step on the road to recovery - and perhaps the liberation of your sexual potential - is to discriminate about what is happening in your unconscious mind. You might wish to consider not being angered by and mistrustful of all men (or women) you meet; instead, accept that you are angry and mistrustful of the man who abused you. This will free you from the a situation where you generalize all the emotions you feel towards one abuser onto all other men (or women). one recognize your anger and mistrust of the man or men who abused you.

If you feel that you were somehow responsible for what happened, or that you could have avoided it or stopped it (a not uncommon reaction among the abused), let me make it clear: YOU WERE NOT RESPONSIBLE. Even if you co-operated, that was only because you lacked the power or ability to resist, and you were more concerned with your survival than anything else: for which, unfortunately, it is sometimes necessary to go along with what is happening. This does not mean you are either responsible or guilty. Children do not provoke sexual assaults by others; neither do adult women or men.

It is entirely possible that you looked forward to incestuous sexual relations as a child - often that is the only comfort and contact a child brought up in an abusive household will get. But the fact remains: you were neither responsible for it, nor was it right that it happened to you. Indeed, it was utterly wrong. If you were abused by someone you loved, then the connection between abuse and love may be a dangerous one, something for you to avoid repeating later in life. Love does not mean that you apply sexual attention to others who cannot resist or who have no choice in the matter. (By the way, it is normal even for a child to become sexually aroused when a loved parent or sibling starts kissing and acting sexually towards them. That is not a reason to think you were somehow to blame for the abuse.)

Things to help with the memory and effects of abuse:

Imagine what you need to say to all those who abused you, and act it out as if they were in the room right now.
Think about how you feel and think towards those people.
Try to recall the events which happened and picture yourself in them (as a child if it was a long time ago). How did you feel? How do you feel now towards this image of yourself (either as an adult or as a small child)? Embrace your earlier and / or smaller self, and say those things to her (or him) which were missing at the time of the abuse.
You may wish to try a writing exercise to explore how you feel: let your inner child write, with your non-dominant hand, an account of what happened, how she feels, and what she wants from you now. You may be surprised at how easily this cuts out your logical mind and gives you access to the feelings which need to be expressed around the event. These can be quite intense, so you may wish to do this when you have support available later.
Tell your family - if you feel you can. But don't expect them necessarily to believe you or support you: when families conspire to keep such a secret, the burden of acknowledging it, even years later, can be too profound to bear. If you do reveal the abuse, this may have some major consequences on the family; are you ready for that, in the name of your own integrity and honoring yourself by speaking your truth?
Take action to protect yourself if the abuse occurred in the recent past.
Do not succumb to depression, self-blame, anger or fear. See a therapist if necessary. Acting out a sense of helplessness is a paralyzing situation; action is what changes things, not paralysis. A huge amount of fear or anger - especially if you can't control it - is also destructive. Talking to those who support you and perhaps a therapist is much more helpful than "stewing in your own juice".
Review what you feel, and how the event has affected you, at regular intervals. Monitor how your emotions change as you develop.
Get some books on the subject: for example, Hurting and Healing: How to Overcome the Trauma of Sexual Abuse and Rape by Gloria Wade, or Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse: Practical Self-help For Adults Who Were Sexually Abused As Children by Carolyn Ainscough and Kay Toon.

Becoming orgasmic

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