How To Have An Orgasm During Sex or Masturbation

Sexual intercourse

Having sex does not necessarily mean having sexual intercourse. There are plenty of other forms of sexual activity which a couple can enjoy, all of which may or may not lead to orgasms, and all of which may or may not take the place of sexual intercourse for a couple during a session of sex. In other words, sex does not begin and end with intercourse, though it is fair to say that for most men it is an important aspect of their sexual lives. But it can be very freeing to get away from the belief system that makes sexual intercourse the most important (or even the only valid) form of sexual activity between a couple. It may also take away pressure - both physical and emotional - if a couple decide to stop having sexual intercourse every time they get sexual and instead substitute masturbation, oral sex, cuddling, massage, sucking, licking, kissing and other forms of foreplay. Let us reemphasize at this point that foreplay is incredibly important - and the word is misleading, since it can be an end in itself. Foreplay can lead to orgasm, or it can just be a way of connecting with your partner - in fact, foreplay can be whatever a couple want it to be!

It follows from this that there is absolutely no reason to feel inhibited or guilty about not wanting sexual intercourse! If a man has erection problems, or a woman is menstruating, sexual intercourse may not be desirable or possible, anyway, and it's at times like these that you need to substitute other activities which are perhaps less goal-directed than full blown sexual intercourse.

Let's be honest about this: an orgasm which emerges from a session of loving interaction between a couple is almost always as satisfying as an orgasm achieved through sexual intercourse. What may be different - especially for men - is the psychological and emotional associations of penetration, dominance, thrusting and so on.

That does not matter. Not having intercourse may make the next session of sexual intercourse even more exciting! The point is that there is nothing wrong with not having sexual intercourse and putting other activities in its place. It's also important to know that sexual intercourse does not generally result in orgasm for a woman without additional clitoral stimulation. So if you're having sex, and you're not reaching orgasm, don't worry! Very few women do reach orgasm during intercourse, and it appears that most who claim to have an orgasm during intercourse do so because they or their partner is stimulating their clitoris! It's actually quite natural not to have an orgasm during intercourse - the pleasure for a woman may come from seeing her partner enjoy sex so much, feeling her desirability (it can be very important for a woman's self-esteem to know that she has this sexual power over a man), seeing and feeling him ejaculate inside her, and so on. As long as she gets an orgasm at some point, through manual play (masturbation, to be less coy) or oral sex, then all is well.

Do not, please, start from the fact that you cannot reach orgasm during intercourse and then build a whole set of issues on this! The fact that you as a woman do not reach orgasm during intercourse does not mean that your lover's penis is too small or too big, your clitoris is too small or too big, you're unresponsive, sexually shutdown, inhibited, insensitive or unloving.....or anything else, either.

You need, as always, to talk to your partner about what the issues are for you both in sexual intercourse and how you reach orgasm.....so think about these things:

How do you feel if sex does not include intercourse?

What does sexual intercourse mean to you - is it a sign of love? Is it a sign of commitment? What is the significance that leads you to put such an importance on it?

Does sexual intercourse lead to you feeling emotionally more connected to your partner?

What do you enjoy about sexual intercourse besides the physical pleasure of penetration (e.g. greater intimacy, satisfying your partner, feeling him inside you)?

How important do you think it is for the man to ejaculate - and how does it feel if that happens outside your vagina?

How do you both feel if the female partner has an orgasm but this does not take place during intercourse?

While it can be hard to get over the idea that intercourse is the most important (perhaps even the only genuine form of sexual expression), the reality is that there are many valid ways to enjoy sexual intimacy, and provided a couple have a close emotional relationship, these alternatives are just as enjoyable as sexual intercourse (though they may feel different!). There is an excellent website called http://www.women-come-first.com/ which addresses the issues of how women reach orgasm during sex and sets out a sexual program, if you like, for ensuring both members of a couple get the greatest pleasure from sex - and it definitely does not insist on sexual intercourse as a route to orgasm for women!

There are of course many other possible scenarios for a couple around sexual intercourse! The man may like it, the woman not so much. The woman may see it as the ultimate form of connection, the man as a quick way of releasing the sexual tension he feels. Sexual intercourse carries a lot of emotional significance, so spend a little time now just thinking about what it actually means to you both, what it signifies, and what meanings you derive from it and how these relate to your relationship. Sex can be a way of expressing emotion, care, concern, affection, and also of "saying" things that are unspoken within the relationship. If you can attune your sexual responses to each other, then you have a much better chance of communicating all the things which sex means for you. This basically means being sensitive to your partner's sexual needs. There will almost certainly be times when you are going to want different things, and being able to ask for these openly and directly without fear or shame is very important. Hence, as always, we come back to the importance of direct and open communication in your relationship.

As the process of sexually unfolding proceeds for you, you will discover new things about your sexual needs which you did not know before you started this program. This may mean you need to adapt your sexual pleasures to accommodate these discoveries - for example, you may need to change the way you have sexual intercourse so that it accommodates both partners' needs and desires....a man may want to have rear entry sex, for example, because he finds it so exciting, while this may be a challenge for a woman who feels as though she is being made into a sex object by what she sees as the impersonal nature of this form of intercourse.

Orgasm and sexual intercourse

If you desire to have orgasm during intercourse, there are several steps to consider.

First of all, how far have you got? Are you currently enjoying orgasms? If not, then all that means is that you need to go back and repeat some of the steps earlier in the program. If you are enjoying greater levels of sexual arousal and orgasm at least some of the time, then you are well on the way to your goal of becoming fully orgasmic. It doesn't matter how you are achieving your orgasms. Do more of what is working for you - whether this is with your partner or on your own. You may find it easier to be aroused when you have nobody to think about other than yourself. Or you may find the presence of your partner exciting and stimulating.

It's helpful not to have intercourse until you are able to feel some sexual arousal for at least some of the time. Being orgasmic is not necessary, though - you can enjoy intercourse with or without orgasm. Of course, if you feel it is best for you to go ahead and enjoy intercourse without arousal or orgasm, then please do so....but if you are not aroused, then do try to use some lube that will make the experience more pleasurable for you and your partner if you are not already producing adequate natural vaginal lubrication.

Sexual intercourse and you - the route to orgasm

Remember that there is no pressure to perform here. This is not about having an orgasm every time you have intercourse. Indeed, the less pressure you feel, the more relaxed you will be and the better your sexual experience is likely to be. As you become more sexually aware, more orgasmic, you will enjoy sex more and more and find that your arousal increases and you slip naturally into the experience of sex. But until then, you may find that various feelings and emotions come up which make it hard for you to enjoy sex fully. Suppose, for example, that feelings associated with past negative experiences of sex come up: the easiest way to deal with these is to talk to your partner about them and express them, rather than hold them inside. Discharging them is much healthier and more likely to assist you in letting go of sexual inhibitions. In addition, sharing your feelings will bring you closer as a couple, and it may also help you to achieve your objective of reaching orgasm.

Another aspect of sex which you may find difficult is that you may come into conflict with your partner about his or her sexual needs and wishes. Sometimes one partner holds a belief or a desire which he or she is not willing to relinquish, even though it conflicts with the other partner's feelings and emotions. Sometimes you just have to learn to live with these differences; sometimes you need to try and work out a compromise; sometimes, one partner may decide that it is necessary to give something up or to do something for the sake of the relationship. Here are some general guidelines which may help you when you face a situation like this:

Remember that you are not changing a person, you are seeking a change in your relationship. You have probably got no right to expect a person to change their ways just to suit you, nor should you expect to be able to change them (a frequent mistake made by women)! If you tell a person what's wrong with them, and why they should change, you are not in any way likely to alter their behavior, thoughts, feelings and attitudes (except possibly to make them more hostile towards you)! You may well cause a lot of resentment. People don't like being told to change. And it's not the way the human mind works, either - a much better approach is to set out a plan to contribute to change in the relationship, so that the process becomes a common goal.
If you agree with your partner that certain things need to be changed, then that is the place to start. As you work on the common ground, the other areas of your relationship where you can seek change will emerge naturally and in their own time.
Set out a clear plan for change in your relationship - be sure that you have specific objectives, and you know how to express them clearly. If you wanted your partner to be more considerate of your need for foreplay, for example, you might say: "I want you to cuddle for thirty minutes before we start touching each other sexually" rather than "I need more foreplay!"
Rather than try and change a large aspect of the situation, you could start by working on small chunks of the problem. Small changes build up over time into large changes, and they may be more acceptable and less threatening to your partner.
Make sure that the lines of communication and understanding remain open. Discuss what works for you and what doesn't work for you with your partner, and express your feelings, including any discouragement as well as optimism. It's also helpful to express in a clean, direct, honest way what you feel about yourself and your partner, though this should be done without blame or resentment.
Be sure to find the right way to express your appreciation for your partner and what they are doing to co-operate on the work you are doing together. It may be a word, a gesture, an act; but if you know each other well and take the time to reflect on what is significant to your partner, it won't be hard to find a way of expressing your gratitude.
And of course don't forget that we often miss the things we are doing which are causing disharmony and disruption. You do have some responsibility to modify your own thoughts, feelings, actions and behavior in this situation, and the way to do this is to agree with your partner what they see as needing input from you. You can discuss with them what objectives you should be striving for.
Suppose that you don't always agree on what needs to change? Do you see your partner as blocking your progress in some way? Can you discuss this with them? If not, can you go to couples therapy together to get the issue dealt with rapidly and effectively?

Physical issues and problems around intercourse

It's odd but it's a fact - men worry about penis size - a lot! And to make things a bit more equal, we should acknowledge that some women think their vagina is too small. While it is true that penis size and vagina size do vary, there is almost never a real problem. Rather, these are things onto which people project their deep sexual worries and concerns, so much that the issues can come to have a real existence and occupy the minds of the man and woman concerned.

If you are still worried about the physical anatomy of sex, let's look at some facts. The vagina is a potential space rather than a hollow tube, a space which opens out when a penis enters it. No vagina is too large - even if you feel that there is room to spare inside your vagina, you can always use Kegel exercises to tighten the musculature and grip your lover's penis more tightly. As for length, the vagina expands to accommodate all but the very longest of penises. There are many good sexual positions here for men and women where the man has a large penis.

While it is true that women may prefer a thick penis to a thin one, because this stretches the vagina and gives a feeling of fullness, penis size is much less important in general to women than men think it is, because for a woman, the joy of sex is not just about feeling her vagina filled with a penis, but also centers on the emotional connection, the intimacy, and the expression of love. And since the clitoris is the main organ behind a woman's orgasm - and that's true for almost all women - the size of the penis inside her vagina is rather irrelevant to her chances of reaching orgasm and enjoying sexual intercourse. What this all amounts to is that the pleasure of sex is not just a physical thing, it's much more about how you connect with each other and how you relate to each other than anything else.

If you have any kind of pain during intercourse then it can be serious or it can be trivial: it may be a sign of an infection, or it could just be that the angle of the penis in the vagina during thrusting doesn't quite suit you. If you think you have any kind of infection, then certainly you should see a doctor.

As for dysparenunia, a name given to a wide group of conditions which manifest as painful intercourse, the most common problem is that a woman is tense during intercourse, as a result of which her vaginal muscles are tight - this can make penetration uncomfortable. A combination of Kegel exercises and relaxation just before sex may help, but these adverse muscular reactions are often due to aversive events - perhaps sexual abuse during childhood - which need therapy to alleviate their effects.

Having said that, you should always bear in mind that sometimes the simple solution is the best - is this a question of needing more lube? If so, choose a good artificial lube and use plenty of it. And if it helps you to feel relaxed, take control during sex: guide your lovers' penis into your vagina with your hand, and take it in at a rate with which you feel comfortable. Try a slight bearing down with your vaginal muscles during penile insertion. This may help because you cannot tighten your vaginal muscles at the same time as you bear down with them.

There are certain positions which make insertion easier. For example, the female on top positions make insertion easier, and you can then move into any other position you choose before you begin thrusting and lovemaking proper (although, why not stay in the woman on top position?) All of these things take some practice, so don't worry if you feel awkward initially. This is only natural! Slow, gentle foreplay and talking things over with your partner before sex may be enough to cure the problem. If not - you may wish to see a doctor who can treat the condition or a therapist who can take you deeper into the issues underlying these sexual problems.

How To Enjoy Sexual Intercourse More

You may not be surprised to learn that men often enjoy sexual intercourse more than women. But there are no hard and fast rules, and certainly no reason why this should be so. It depends s very much on the couple, and the level of comfort that each member of the couple has with sex. It's also about the simple mechanics of sex - the penis does not stimulate the clitoris during thrusting, so the woman gets less physical pleasure from this than the man gets as his penis thrusts in her vagina. There is of course no reason why a couple should not use a finger or two, or a sex toy like a vibrator, on a woman's clitoris to give her additional pleasure during intercourse.

Please be aware that this need for extra stimulation is normal. Most women need it if they are to reach orgasm during intercourse. And in fact most couples will get to their orgasms in this way: the man will orgasm during intercourse, while the women reaches orgasm during oral play or masturbation beforehand.

Why all this fuss around getting to orgasm during sex? Well, a lot of this has to do with misinformation. Many women are taught, or absorb the knowledge, that the vagina is the primary female sexual organ. The clitoris tends to be much less well-known and appreciated! However, it is the clitoris that is the route to sexual pleasure for the great majority of women. Stimulating the clitoris during intercourse is more or less the same as stimulating the penis for a man.

If you find that intercourse alone is enough for you and you don't need clitoral stimulation to get pleasure from intercourse (whether you have already had an orgasm or not) it's always a good idea to be as aroused as possible before intercourse commences. And be sure to let your partner know how hard and fast you would like him to thrust - that way, you can maintain your arousal at the high level that will give you more pleasure.

When you switch from finger play with your clitoris to intercourse, you may feel that your arousal has dropped - that's why it is a good idea to keep stimulating the clitoris so that you can enjoy ongoing arousal. If you want to rely on vaginal thrusting alone to maintain your arousal, then it is likely that you will want your man to be able to continue thrusting for long periods before he ejaculates. Ask him to read this: how to cure premature ejaculation.

Remember that men will not know what you desire at any particular time - for example, you may feel in need of different kinds of stimulation at different times in your monthly cycle. In all cases you should feel free to communicate your desires to your partner so that he can give you the pleasure you wish from sex, whether this involves additional clitoral stimulation or not during intercourse.

What of simultaneous orgasm?

The idea of simultaneous orgasm is a nice, romantic one, but very few couples actually enjoy the pleasure of simultaneous coming during sex. Indeed, trying to make this happen can lead to you getting hung up on timing, who's going faster and who's going slower, what to do if you aren't both as aroused as each other, and so on. The pressure this produces can interrupt the natural flow of events towards a successful sexual outcome, and can lessen your sexual pleasure. Trying to hold back if you are getting more aroused than your partner can result in your natural progression towards orgasm coming to an end altogether. Sex tends not to work so well when you are thinking more about your partner's pleasure than your own (unless you are taking in in turns, one at a time, to reach orgasm). For women in particular, focusing on things like when you're going to reach orgasm may in fact prevent you from having one at all!

Of course it can be great to have a simultaneous orgasm - just don't expect it all the time, and when it happens, enjoy it for what it is. At other times, take pleasure in the fact that your partner is having their orgasm and support them as they bask in the joy of that experience.

Becoming orgasmic

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