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How To Have An Orgasm During Sex or MasturbationWhat to do if you have a low level of sexual desire or libido There are many men and women who lack the level of sexual desire which would lead to them having more sex in their lives. Of course this is natural enough if you aren't really getting much pleasure out of sex, and if you don't even get aroused enough to want sex it's no surprise that you are reading this program! But if you are starting to have orgasms and you're finding that sex is an enjoyable and very pleasurable experience, but even so you still have a low sex drive, a low libido, what are you to do? After all, if you manage to reach orgasm fairly easily when you do have sex, but you still don't much want to have sex, then you have a rather more complicated problem, a problem which can be a stumbling block to a good relationship - especially if your partner has a high level of sex drive and wants sex more often that you do. So an obvious question at this point is "what is the normal level of sexual desire?" and another question which follows naturally on from that is this: "How often do other couples have sex?" But these questions are probably not very helpful. First of all, the frequency with which couples have sex varied hugely: for some couples, sex is a given, an every day expectation. For others, sex once every six months may seem too much! If we rephrase the question like this: "What is the average frequency with which couple shave sex?" it's still not very helpful, because an average, by definition, contains some high numbers and some low numbers, but at least we can give you an answer: How often couples have sexual intercourse (by which we mean penetrative sex with a penis). The number of times each month per couple.
Take these figures with a pinch of salt. They may have no relevance to you whatsoever! For most couples, open and honest expression of the thoughts and feelings around sex can help to clear up any issues which may be inhibiting sexual desire. As always, the best way to approach sex is to have good communication about all the issues which may affect you. But if you talk about sex, and things aren't getting any better - in other words, you still don't feel much sex drive - then you might want to take a look at this list of things which might be contributing to your lack of sexual desire: Do you have negative beliefs about your sexuality? Our culture is in many ways quite misogynistic, and beliefs about female sexuality such as the ones listed in a moment - see below - can not only inhibit an individual's sexual responses, they can inhibit the desire to have sex in the first place. If you feel any shame or guilt or embarrassment around sex, it's a fair bet that some of these negative messages are at work in your psyche and may be spoiling your enjoyment of sex or masturbation:
No doubt there are many more messages which you can think of that may contribute to a repressed state of sexuality. If you feel that this may have something to do with your experience of sex, and your lack of sexual desire, it may be worth investigating thse issues with a sexual therapist or a psychotherapist who has specialized in sexual issues. Of course, sex is quite a child-like state, in the sense that it leads to fun and playfulness. So those people who were brought up to abide by a work ethic which forbids or devalues fun at the expense of work and order may find that they have an inability to enjoy sex just because it seems frivolous, not because of any inherent qualities like the negative messages around sex itself shown above. It can be hard to be less dutiful and to put yourself first after a lifetime of attending to what others expect of you, but you can change this pattern if you really wish. The first step is to change your behavior - to stop responding to the calls that others make on you - both internally, in the shape of the internal messages which shape your life - and externally, in the form of the people around you who have come to expect you to behave in a certain way. Don't leave sex until the end of the day. Schedule time for it during the day or weekend and stick to that commitment - if you leave sex to the end of the day, it will assume an importance which mirrors its place in your schedule (i.e. last!). It is actually one of the great human experiences, allowing you to play, to experience massive physical pleasure, intimacy, and love - so try and adopt an attitude which treats sex as though it is as important as your other commitments! It's possible that when you try to enjoy sex you are swamped with negative emotions. This is often caused by childhood sexual abuse, and it's certainly true that as you become more aware of the abuse, then your reactions to sex may well reflect this. If anger, rage or tears sweep over you, it may be a sign that some professional help is called for. If the emotions are more about what happens to you now - for example, your if partner wants to try some sexual practices you don't like - oral sex or anal sex come to mind here - then you need (at least for the moment) to eliminate these from your sexual repertoire until the point where they seem appealing to you. (Which, of course, may never happen. Anal sex, for example, is very much a minority sport!) The way to handle this is to talk with your partner about what is going on for you, and to express your feelings calmly but clearly. You can actually refuse to take part in any sexual activity if you wish to do so! Although this may seem improbable, it's possible that you think you may lose control in some way during sex. Let me assure you now that this is impossible. Letting ago and enjoying sex doesn't mean losing control! It means enjoying sex in a relaxed and fully conscious, totally present way, with your body and mind relaxed but enjoying what you are doing and attending to everything that is happening. Loss of control during sex - whatever that looks like for you - just won't happen. You don't even have to make a noise during your orgasm if you don't want to - although it can really help your enjoyment of orgasm if you do make some noise. The point is - you have a choice over all these things, and you can always exercise that choice. Make a decision in advance about what is and is not acceptable to you, and you'll feel much more confident when you get into the details of sex. If your sex drive is inhibited by a fear of becoming pregnant - a very reasonable fear - then make sure that your contraception is in place and that you are using it effectively. The safest and most reliable method of contraception is the pill, and it does not interfere with your sexual enjoyment. Are you depressed? It's worth thinking about this carefully, because rather a lot of people are depressed but have no idea that they are. Ask yourself the opposite, too - are you happy? To identify depression, you might want to consider if you have symptoms such as feelings of lack of optimism, gloominess, sadness, a low self-esteem, low energy level, aches and pains, difficulty getting out of bed in the morning, feeling much better as the day goes on, problems with sleeping, eating, and digestion. If you are depressed, it's worthwhile getting both a self-help program for depression and some professional advice on what to do about it. Do you have any hormonal or other medical problems which may have an impact on your sex drive? If you have a hormonal problem, it may well be impacting on your sex life. Any symptoms which lead you to believe this may be an issue for you should be checked by a doctor: menopausal or menstrual changes, tenderness in your breasts, excess fluid retention, or hot flushes are just a few indicators of hormone changes). It is possible for the oral contraceptive pill to inhibit sexual desire. Many drugs prescribed for mental or emotional conditions have an impact on sexual desire. The same is true of some recreational drugs like alcohol and cannabis. Certainly the "harder" drugs - cocaine and so on - have a major impact on sex drive. Are you suffering from some
internalized beliefs that inhibit your sex drive - beliefs around how
attractive a woman has to be in this society to attract a man
and be sexual? If you subscribe to the view that women need to be young
and sexy, for example, and that after menopause you lose your sexual
appeal, then your sexual
desire is very possibly going to be inhibited. You might find the following examples of how to do this helpful. Wrong: "Your breath stinks." Better: "Kissing is lovely but it's important that we both have fresh breath to make it nice for each other." Wrong: "I hate it when you dive straight for my clitoris." Better: "Can we spend some time cuddling before we get sexual please? That way I can relax and it makes it feel better when you touch my clitoris." Suppose you are in the middle of a battle with your partner about relationship issues or how you are living your life? That's not exactly gong to be a recipe for a harmonious sexual life! If your relationship is not working, or your life is taking the wrong path, then maybe you need to do something to put it right - inhibited sexual desire can be a useful indicator that you feel powerless in your relationship. This needs to be changed, since free and uninhibited sexual expression is an aspect of a truly healthy holistic being. You probably won't have much sex drive unless you have a sense of respect for yourself and for your partner. Of course some things are easier to say in theory than they are in practice. If you somehow fear your vulnerability to your partner, or you feel very needy towards him, and you dare not express this, or you dare not fully feel these emotions, then you probably have good reason not to trust him enough to fully open up to him in the relationship. This may be because of your childhood experience or your family situation, or it may be because you don't trust your partner because of the way he had behaved towards you in the past, or it may be because of the way someone else behaved towards you in a past relationship. These are not simple issues to deal with, and they take time and patience to resolve. Professional therapy may be helpful, too, as you work towards resolving them. Do you have enough space in your relationship? If you're constantly finding yourself around your partner (or vice versa) you may simply feel too oppressed by the boundaries of your space in the relationship to feel desire. You may have plenty of separate issues to pursue, different interests, different groups of friends, and so on. But if your partner is needy and pursues you all the time because his need for closeness is greater than yours, then this may inhibit your desire towards him. Once again, there is no cure for this but a frank and open discussion with him, hopefully conducted in a respectful way so that you both emerge with more of what you want and your self-esteem intact! How You Can Deal With Low Sexual DesireSexual urges and desires are a basic part of human nature. If you don't feel them them you are blocking them. It's as simple as that. If you are blocking them, and you have a sense from reading the text above of why that might be happening, then you can start to work on them. Becoming aware of the negative feelings you hold about an issue is the first step in dealing with it, and this awareness is a gradual unfolding which happens at the rate at which you can safely handle it. This implies that it may be a long-term process - in which case, why not start straight away? The sooner you begin to deal with issues of inhibited desire, the faster they will unfold and you will gain a greater sense of self-esteem and sexual pleasure as you become more sexually alive. But please keep in mind that a lot of women who have inhibited desire are unaware of the negative feelings which are linked to their low sex drive. If you think that you "feel neutral" towards sex and are just not interested, you're probably defending against what lies underneath - powerful negative emotions of some kind. To get some understanding of these issues you may need to see a professional therapist. You can start to work through them on your own, and this will often open the defenses to new thoughts, feelings, emotions and insights. Begin by identifying the negative emotions which lie under the surface. Take a good hard look at your sexual history and what sex means to you now. If you were to picture yourself as a woman with a high sex drive, actively seeking sex, what would you feel? Try it now! Think for a moment with your eyes closed what this would make you feel like. If you respond with negative emotions such as fear, guilt, shame, rage, or whatever, ask yourself what would be so frightening about the situation - and wait for whatever answer comes back to you. If you allow yourself to know your truth, you will always find the answers to these questions. What is risky about sex? What is frightening about a high sex drive? How would you feel about yourself if you were a fully sexual being? Once you have identified some of the emotions which you feel around sex, try asking yourself why these emotions are associated with sexual issues. Working out a sexual fantasy for yourself and monitoring how you react to it at each stage may also be helpful - if you identify what elements you put into your fantasy, this may be insignificant. For example, if your fantasy was mostly about romance and love, does this indicate that you desire those qualities in your relationship, or does it mean that you are frightened of the energy and passion of full-hearted sex? Try doing something to get a closer connection with your body as you consider these issues - massage, dancing, sensuously caressing yourself, masturbating, and so on. This may produce more ideas which help you to understand where your inhibitions come from. A closer physical connection with your partner may also be helpful in gaining such insights. You may want to hold hands, snuggle up, cuddle, shower together, and so on. Thus kind of physical intimacy may help you to get in touch with the drivers of your behavior, and to understand more clearly what is going on for you when you don't feel the sexual desire which might be expected in romantic or loving situations. As with other activities in life, nothing succeeds like success in sex, so the more orgasms you have the more likely it is that you will have more. It's not necessarily a quick process; it's more like a gradual unfolding of sexual desire and sex drive.....over a few months, you may be astonished to find how your understanding of your low sex drive has increased, and you may well find that an increase in orgasmic potential goes hand in hand with a higher sex drive. If this doesn't happen, then it is well worthwhile seeing a professional therapist who can work through these issues with you. [
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