How To Have An Orgasm During Sex Or Masturbation (PR)

Giving Each Other Sexual Pleasure Through Touch

For you and your partner, it's time to get more familiar with each other's bodies by pleasuring each other. Set aside time for a relaxed session - but before you start, spend a few minutes thinking about the following questions:

How do you think this will compare to when you were doing it alone?
Do you think you can still relax and let your mind focus on how you feel, rather than worrying about how your partner feels?
Do you think you'll be able to do this without putting any pressure on yourself to please your partner, and just be able to accept that they are responsible for saying what they want and need?
You can find new ways to give each other pleasure, enjoy the exploration of each others' bodies, and develop more trust and communication by doing this. You can also deepen the intimacy of your relationship in all kinds of ways as your sexual relationship grows.
By this stage of your development as a sexually fulfilled women, you should be able to take more responsibility for initiating sexual session and directing the sessions so you get what you want. And don't forget you can always refuse if the time is not right for you!

How to communicate well with your partner during sex

Apart from directly telling your partner what feels good, you can also use nonverbal communication to show him or her what you want. One way to do this would be to place your hand over your partner's hand and guide him or her to show them what you want. When you do speak, remember to keep things positive: for example, don't say "Ouch, that hurts!" but rather, "It feels better when you stroke just around my clitoris."

When you can communicate well, able to say clearly what you want and don't want, and confident about guiding your partner both verbally and non-verbally, you'll feel a lot more powerful and in control; this will build trust and intimacy. In other words, good communication is essential for a great sexual relationship. No matter how embarrassing it may seem to talk about these matters at first, if you are to have great sex, you must learn how to do so!

Another problem with sex, apart from communication (or, rather, the lack of it) is that we all enter sex with certain expectations. These can affect our sexual experience. For example, men often believe they are expected to know how to be a great lover and how to please their partner. But since sexual desire and arousal is so variable, this is not only ridiculous but impossible. He will not know how to please you unless you show him! Rather than worrying about this, simply tell him what you like, verbally or non-verbally, and make sure your communication is honest, clear and direct. The golden rule is tell each other what you are thinking and feeling as you go along, not to store it up and bring it out in the heat of the moment!

To make all of this easier, you can offer each other support, both directly and indirectly. This can take the form of something as simple as "I expect you feel embarrassed, I certainly do," or, "I'd like to know how you feel about that." These are supportive comments because they show your partner that you are interested in what they have to say - and at the sane time, they are an encouragement, almost a permission, in fact, for them to say what's on their mind. When you communicate well in an atmosphere of trust and understanding, sex is never likely to be boring!

So, that said, you're going to try the pleasuring sessions, with your partner this time, and your objective is to give each other pleasure, find out about each other's bodies, and in the process become more relaxed and comfortable with sexual situations. This will all help you on the road to orgasmic pleasure, whether you are receiving stimulation from your partner or from your own hand (or a vibrator). Don't forget that this is not about you having to give your partner an orgasm, or being responsible for their arousal - that's up to them. Your job is to learn more.....and if you happen to experience an orgasm in the process, either with a vibrator or with you partner's hand on your clitoris, great! But please don't put any pressure on yourself to reach orgasm, whether or not you had an orgasm in the self-pleasuring exercises. In either case, it will certainly be useful for you to continue with the sessions of self-pleasuring masturbation and orgasm. If you haven't had an orgasm at all, remember that it's only a matter of time.

Sexual Pleasure With A Partner

Start by lying naked next to each other, and enjoy some intimate kissing and stroking and cuddling. Don't forget to communicate what feels good - you can enjoy giving and receiving touch to any part of the body, with lips, tongue, mouth, fingers, hand and indeed any other part of your body that occurs to you! Get into the experience, so that your awareness focuses on what you are doing physically, not on issues outside the bedroom, that my be distracting.

You can include testes, penis, vulva, labia and clitoris in your touching. You can use a vibrator if you wish, taking turns to stimulate each other as you wish, as the mood takes you. You've already seen how your partner stimulates him or herself - now see if you can recreate those movements, and ask for feedback so you know how to do it better.

You can also experiment with the position you adopt for this mutual pleasuring. You can lie side by side, sit between each other's legs, or have one person lying and the other sitting. There are no rules here - just do what makes you feel good, while remaining comfortable. However, it's important that you can see what you are doing, and enjoy looking at your partner's body and genitals.

You want to have several sessions where you share the best ways to touch each other. It's a good idea not to have sexual intercourse at this stage - the idea is to learn about the ways your partner likes to be touched. Of course, it's great if you have an orgasm, but to reiterate - that is not the main objective of this exercise. Just aim for a pleasurable and rewarding experience. The pleasurable feelings alone can be the reward of this experience!

Orgasm is the natural outcome of this process, after you have gained an appreciation of the finer points of stimulating each other and how your bodies respond to touch.

What does it all mean?

Naturally, you will have some thoughts and feelings about all this "work" we're asking you to do. It may be helpful if you discuss with your partner how you feel about your session of intimate play. Think about the emotions that have arisen: explain to each other how you feel, and try to do this in an atmosphere of respectful listening. It's not necessary for either of you to "explain" why your partner might be feeling that way, or to "solve" the other's problems, or even to "soothe" their feelings (unless that is what they want). It's just enough to listen so that the person with something to say feels heard. Some things you may be feeling: guilt, shame, anger, anxiety, embarrassment, joy, pleasure, happiness, relaxation, disappointment....and so on....

Remember also that what you learn here is going to help you to enjoy sexual intercourse much more (with or without orgasms). Take the experience slowly, don't rush it, and regard these techniques of intimate foreplay as an end in themselves rather than the things you do before intercourse. However, if these sessions en din orgasm, that's fine.

Some things to think about

Can you keep your mind on what you are doing without being distracted by thoughts of mundane practical matters around the home or work?
Can you fully engage with your partner without dissociating?
If you feel scared, can you articulate that to your partner? If you do so, does it lessen the fear?
Do you sense that your partner is fully present with you? If not, can you talk to him or her about what's going on for them?
If you have not had an orgasm, how does that make you feel? Can you tell your partner about this?

Now, whether or not you have had a real orgasm, the time has come to act out having an orgasm in front of your partner! Even if you feel silly doing this, it's certainly worth it. You have complete control of what you do, and it will help you relax and overcome the reality of letting go and having an orgasm when it happens! This is, of course, a classic desensitization process, one which exposes you to the feared situation in a safe way, so that when it actually happens, you feel much more confident about it. Try it a few times; this shouldn't be too difficult, because men tend to make a lot of noise and involuntary bodily movements when they reach orgasm - if you do the same, that just makes you both equal! Hopefully you've seen the films of women enjoying their orgasms on I Feel Myself; if not, go there now and sign up for a month, so you can see what a real female orgasm (or hundreds of them) look like - then you know what you're acting out!

Go on practicing this until you've got over the embarrassment and feel that you can really "let go" into your make-believe orgasm! Have your partner support you while you do this, so that you share the experience. You may, for example, want to hold hands or have his hand on your body somewhere while you enjoy this mock-orgasm.

Now, this acting can become more than just practice when you're trying to get to orgasm during masturbation, but you find yourself stuck at some point of the plateau, feeling aroused but not quite tipping over into orgasm. With the rehearsal of the mock-orgasm fresh in your mind, you can switch into "pretend mode" and act out the orgasm - believe it or not, this may well help you to fall to a natural orgasm.

Feelings about men

Did you grow up with positive messages about men and their sexuality? If not, can you recall what was said to you that caused you to regard men with a lack of trust, or anger, or fear? Can you, as an adult, overcome these thoughts and feelings by action - by trusting your partner and engaging in the sexual exploration we are suggesting with him?

Clearly, if you have very negative feelings towards men, then this will block your capacity to let go and trust them during the sexual union. You need to open a dialogue with him and tell him how you feel, about men historically, and certainly about him now. In return, he should be able to support and encourage you as you work to overcome these outdated beliefs. An open and frank discussion about these issues may well resolve them sufficiently for you to trust men enough to relax into sex and become fully orgasmic. If not, then you may wish to consider seeing a professional psychotherapist.

Comments for men

If your partner isn't sure about what's going on, have him read this.

It's no reflection on you that your partner is going through a process of developing her sexuality. It's a myth that men are responsible for the female orgasm - and no matter how much you might have been brought up to believe that men somehow need to be the one who "gives" a woman an orgasm, the truth is that it's your partner who's responsible for her orgasm and you can only help her get there. So, if she comes for the first time when she uses a vibrator, this does not mean there is anything wrong with your sexual ability. Why not share the experience and try the vibrator yourself? When you are more sexually experienced it can be very rewarding to use the vibrator during intercourse, perhaps on her clitoris so that your partner reaches orgasm as you thrust inside her...and there are many more ways to use the vibrator which can add to your sexual pleasure. For example, you could use it on her clitoris while kissing her breasts. Or you might like to watch her use it and reach orgasm herself - this can be very arousing.

In reality, the process of your partner learning more about her body will improve the quality of both your sex lives, and it should also increase your ability to communicate about your sexual relationship and produce more intimacy between you both.

Here are some useful tips on using a vibrator: How To Use A Vibrator

Some comments for both partners

At this stage of your sexual exploration, you may be worried about how much stimulation you need and whether or not your partner is bored, resentful or simply turned off by having to provide so much stimulation to get you aroused. As time goes by you will need less time to get aroused, but all women need a substantial amount of time to become aroused, no matter how sexually experienced they may be. At least twenty minutes foreplay is the minimum, and an hour is even better! This may include stimulation of the labia, vulva, clitoris, breasts, hugging, kissing, fondling, stroking, talking, eye-gazing. You can ensure boredom stays at bay when you do this by keeping your focus on your partner's sexual energy and your own sensations and feelings, rather than letting your mind drift off somewhere. One good trick is to imagine all of your sexual energy focused in the tips of your fingers, transferring itself to your partner wherever you touch him or her. Imagine the energy flowing up from you genitals to your fingers and then out into your partner!

Taking it in turns also helps to alleviate boredom and resentment that one partner is getting all the attention. It really is important to continue practicing, because the more time and energy you spend on this, the easier it will become for you to experience arousal. The same is true of orgasm - the more you have, the easier it becomes. It's almost like the nerve pathways become more and more functional as they are opened up!

If you are having any kind of difficulties or doubts, let me say this: the key thing is to practice, to learn what you need and want. It can be very difficult for men, whose penis responds very easily to rhythmic movements of a simple kind, to understand that a woman's needs are different....and that sexual needs are not the same in all women! Compared to a penis, a clitoris is a delicate object, taking its time to be aroused, taking time to be ready for direct stimulation.

A woman's arousal is also slow to rise and - at least in the early stages of sex - quick to drop. So when a woman tells her man to keep going, ("Don't stop!") he needs to take that as an instruction to keep going, at the same speed and rhythm that she likes, not necessarily to speed up the pace of his movements, or the force of them, until he knows she is ready to come. Of course, it makes things a lot easier for him if his partner is able to give him feedback on what she wants and when to speed up - so, once again, the message here is to make sure you communicate during sex, and give positive feedback, not negative. And the more you practice, the easier it will be to get it right! If you see sex as fun and playful, this all becomes much more relaxed and enjoyable, without the stress and strain that may develop if you see pleasuring your partner as a struggle.

A note about the use of fantasy

A lot of people find that sexual fantasy is very helpful in increasing their sexual pleasure. The problem is that a lot of people are guilty about the fantasies they have, perhaps mistaking fantasy as a wish to do something that seems forbidden or even wrong. It may even seem disrespectful of your partner to enjoy fantasy when they are pleasuring you. The truth is that a majority of women in relationship use fantasies to help increase their arousal when their partner is pleasuring them, so you need not feel bad on that score! The next question is - do you feel bad about the content of your fantasy? Well, first off, we know that the most creative people have the most fantasies, so it's a sign that your imagination is working well! It's also a sign that your sexual desire is working well! The key point is that a fantasy remains in your head - and in there, it can do no harm to you or anyone else. So no matter what you may think of or imagine to be happening, it is only a thought process; no matter where it comes from, no matter what its origin, if it turns you on, then that's actually OK. It's when you lose the ability to distinguish between fantasy and reality and start acting it out that problems may occur.

Having said that, some fantasies can be safely acted out: mild domination and submission scenarios, for example, or dressing up, or role-playing; these things can put a real element of spice in your relationship, though you always need to check with your partner that he or she is willing to go along with it, and that it does not turn them off.

Two good books to read to check out the breadth and depth of fantasies are: Nancy Friday's My Secret Garden or Forbidden Flowers.

If you feel guilty, remember that your fantasy is not necessarily an indication of a desire to swap your partner for someone else, or to be somewhere else doing something different (though why should you not have such a fantasy? Real life is sometimes not as exciting as an imaginary one!). It is just something which turns you on, and so helps you get more pleasure form the sexual situation you are in at the moment.

It's also possible that if you do act out fantasy, you may find it to be a lot less exciting than it is in your imagination. Never mind! It's all part of the process of discovering your sexuality, and fantasy plays an important part in this. You could try telling your partner a sexual story which is based on your fantasy, and have them do the same for you. This can be very arousing! (And, by the way, it's OK not to share your fantasies!)

Reaching orgasm during sex

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