Becoming Orgasmic - Reaching Orgasm During Sex or Masturbation

How You Feel About Sex and Your Body

Of course, how you feel about your body isn't just related to how your parents or carers talked about it or whether they respected it or not in what they said. It's also about what actually happened to your body, sexual or otherwise, about how your carers behaved physically towards you, about whether or not you suffered any sexual abuse as a child. This might be something as apparently insignificant as an adult paying inappropriate attention to your genitals while washing you, to full scale sexual abuse. And it's how you, the child, interpreted such events that will have determined the long term impact those events have had on you. As far as reaching orgasm is concerned, you can see that the effect of the same experience may be very different for different individuals. Later in life, the impact of how your early boyfriends behaved towards you (if you had any) has another major impact on your attitudes to sex and your own body, and your orgasmic capacity. The questions below are designed to encourage you to understand at least some of the things that may have led you this point, where you are working hard to regain your rightful sexual pleasure and your ability to enjoy orgasm.

You don't have to "do" anything with the results...just think about each question and consider how these events may have impacted you. If you have profound insights, so much the better! Give yourself time to consider these questions properly....read through the questions first, then come back and answer them individually.

Family Background - Then and Now

1) Was sex ever talked about? Was it seen as shameful due to religious or social influences? Could you ask questions about sex openly and freely? Do you feel you can talk openly about sex to your partner, friends, and family now - and is that similar to the way it was in your childhood?

2) What was the attitude to nakedness in your family? How did you feel about nakedness as a teenager and small child? How do you feel about being naked now?

3) Did you see siblings or parents naked in the family?

4) Were your parents inhibited about physical contact? Did they cuddle freely? Were they affectionate towards each other? How do you feel nowadays about touching them?

5) How relaxed were your parents regarding sexual matters with each other? How did they respond to sexual scenes in the cinema or on TV? Did they kiss each other freely and without inhibition? Did you ever hear them having sex or interpret the sounds you heard as sexual, orgasmic even?

6) How easily could you talk about sex with siblings or friends?

7) How much did your parents tell you about sex, menstruation, intercourse and your body's sexual parts?

8) Was sex education mostly a series of dirty jokes, or was it done respectfully and in a way that honored you? Or was it not done at all?

9) Did parents teach you about your genitals and use the proper names for those parts of the body, or were they ignored? If so, what do you think you picked up from this omission?

10) What is your first sexual memory? Was it exciting, humiliating, or shaming?

11) Did you ever play sex games with other children, or share sexual secrets like the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" games? If your parents found out about this, how did they react?

12) Did you masturbate as a child? If so, what feelings did you have around this? Did you ever experience an orgasm as a child?

13) Do you recall any traumatic or hurtful events around sex? How do you think they have affected you nowadays? Do you believe you suffered sexual abuse? Do you think you suffered emotional abuse? Were you treated with respect as a sexual being who had her own boundaries? Were those boundaries adequate?

14) What did your parents tell you about pregnancy, menstruation and how babies were made? Were you prepared when menstruation started? What effect did it have on you?

15) How well do you feel your father and mother scored in teaching you how to behave like a woman, and about dealing with other men and women? For example, did your mother set you a good example of female behavior? How did your father behave towards other women when you mother was around, and not around? What expectations of men did he give you? (For example, do you trust men, respect men, like men, or have contempt for them?)

Dating

16) Did you have any dating experiences in childhood or your teenage years? What were they? How did they make you feel? What were you looking for out of dating? Did you ever reach orgasm?

17) When did you first become sexual? Was this kissing, touching, masturbating ("heavy petting")? Did you feel pressured to be sexual? Were you sexual? Did you like it? Did you consent to intercourse?

18) Think about how your sexual life evolved during your teenage years. Did you feel relaxed about masturbation, or did you not even try it? Were you aware of any sexual desire, or were your sexual impulses repressed? Were you ridiculed or made fun of about the appearance of your body, your crushes, your dates or any other aspect of your sexual life?

Sexuality as an adult

19) If you have had intercourse, when was the first time? How did it feel? What did you want out of it? Was it consensual or forced? How did you feel afterwards? Did you reach orgasm or use contraception?

20) How are you now with the sexual aspects of your body? Do you have vaginal infections or pain on intercourse? Do you have vaginismus (a clenched vaginal response to touching which makes intercourse or inserting tampons difficult or impossible)? Do you have urinary tract infections?

21) If you have given birth, how did you feel about your body during pregnancy? Were you sexually active during pregnancy? How easy was the process of childbirth? Was it a sensual experience, or even a sexual one?

22) Do you fantasize sexually? If so, do you get aroused?

23) Have you ever had a same-sex experience, and if so, how do you feel about it? Did you reach orgasm during this experience?

24) How many partners have you had? Has sex been a rewarding experience with all of them, or have you had different sexual responses with different partners?

25) Have you been the victim of any sex crimes as an adult (flashing, attempted or actual rape, indecent assault)?

26) How has your experience of sex changed before and after marriage? How did you feel about sex before marriage? How do you feel about it now?

27) Do you feel sex is dirty or distasteful? Do you find any sexual activities enjoyable? If so, so you know why - e.g. because of the physical closeness? Do you feel dirty, guilty or shamed by sex?

28) Do you enjoy sex? How do you feel about your body, your vulva, clitoris, vagina? How do you feel about masturbation, sex or kissing? Does the idea of oral sex disgust or delight you?

29) Have you ever had a spontaneous orgasm during sleep?

30) What do you think of prostitution, cyber sex and pornography? What do you think these attitudes say about your general attitude to sex?

31) What would you like to have happened to you sexually or emotionally that never happened? What would you like never to have happened that did happen?

One of the most important aspects of the questions above is what they reveal to you about your attitudes, beliefs, feelings and values around sex. None of us grows up in a perfect environment, and the potential for sexual issues to arise, even from innocent events, is vast. As you may know, however, it isn't traumatic events per se which cause sexual problems later in life. It's how you, as a child, interpreted their meaning, with or without the support of an adult, and what conclusions you drew from them that is most important. It is that meaning which colors your emotional life, which leaves you with inhibitions or blocks around aspects of sex, and it is that meaning which ultimately determines how you see yourself.

Since children are very different, there is no easy way to predict what the consequences of a particular set of experiences will be, nor to determine who among them will be sexually inhibited as an adult and who won't be, in response to particular events, environments and circumstances. But if there are common themes among adult women who have trouble reaching orgasm, they center on family backgrounds where religious strictures about sex were firmly applied, or where moral codes were in force that implied sex was dirty, wrong, or sinful. Of course, since one very clear religious principle is that sex is a gift from God, you can see that when children grow into sexually inhibited adults, it isn't even the so-called moral or religious precepts which are the cause of the problem: it's the way your parents enforced or applied them, communicating indirectly or directly to their children that sex is somehow sinful.

Clearly, children who are punished for sexual acts or thoughts are also likely to grow up into sexually inhibited adults. Teenage masturbation is a major source of conflicts between children and parents, and if the parents' disgust or shame around masturbation is clearly communicated to the children, it's likely to be a source of sexual conflict in later years, and certainly strong enough to inhibit the ultimate form of sexual pleasure - orgasms.

Many women feel they could be more aroused (and/or orgasmic) if their partner spent more time on foreplay or more time making love, especially including foreplay "out of the bedroom": in other words, if they enjoyed non-sexual touching and affectionate gestures during their daily life. But it isn't always easy to say what you want during sex, and asking for these things may be challenging.

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It's also important to remember that many, if not a majority of, couples have sexual problems! In several studies, the levels of dissatisfaction among women with the sexual aspects of their relationship - particularly orgasmic potential - have been as high as 50%, with almost as many saying that they sometimes have difficulty getting aroused and reaching orgasm. About 15% of women could not orgasm at all.....a finding which has been repeated many times.

And of course, a bad first experience is likely to leave a woman with a conflicted attitude to sex, which means she may be unable to experience orgasm: such a bad experience can take many forms, of course, but child abuse, rape, coercion, and physical or verbal abuse are high on the list of likely causes of anorgasmia.

Interestingly enough, many women who have been coerced or abused don't see it as such. They may even have been aroused. Sometimes they may even have had an orgasm. But an adult engaging in any kind of sexual play with someone much younger can only ever be abusive by virtue of the fact that the power is unequal, and the child may well be unable to tell the adult to stop what she or he is doing. Think about this: is is true for you? One of the most unfortunate aspects of childhood abuse is that it may distort the adult's ability to love and be loved freely: for example, sex may become a tool for acquiring favors, monetary or otherwise, or sex may become a kind of currency which is exchanged for affection or love from one's partner. In such circumstances, a relationship of emotional and physical equality is almost impossible. More importantly, perhaps, the physical and/or emotional security which might make it possible for a woman to reach orgasm is missing.

The very positive thing for all women in this situation is that the reactions you learned to the original trauma, the best adaptations you could make at the time, but which now which keep you from reaching orgasm, can all be changed - so the possibility of enjoying a fully orgasmic sexual life is a real one, well within your grasp.

Things You Need To Know About Sex And Orgasm, Having An Orgasm During Sex

At this stage, you may already have gained some insight into why you are having trouble reaching orgasm. But that in itself isn't enough to bring about change, though of course it's a good first step. That's also why we have these helpful exercises sprinkled throughout the website. Our next challenge to you is to consider whether or not you believe any of the falsehoods that exist about sex in general and female sexuality in particular, and, if you do, to consider whether you need to hang on to them or you can abandon them in the trash can of history in your quest to be come orgasmic.

The following statements are all false!

A real woman (or a sexual woman / a feminine woman / a woman who's good in bed / a good sexual partner) will have an orgasm every time she has sex

It depends on what you mean by sex - very few women reach orgasm through intercourse alone, without additional clitoral stimulation. About seventy percent of women reach orgasm regularly through masturbation without difficulty. Only one woman in ten or so will enjoy an orgasm during intercourse without additional clitoral stimulation. About twenty percent of women under thirty have never had an orgasm.

Multiple orgasms are common

It's our experience that a small minority of women orgasm more than once - or wish to do so - during sexual activity. Indeed, when women do have multiple orgasms, they often say that they would rather have one big bang orgasm than a series of smaller orgasms.

A woman is less sexual after pregnancy

This can happen, but just as many women become more sexual after pregnancy.

There's no sex (or orgasms) after the menopause

Many post-menopausal women - who no longer need to fear pregnancy - become much more sexual and relax into a kind of mature sexuality where they find it much easier to reach orgasm.

Vaginal orgasms are better than clitoral orgasms

A vaginal orgasm is really a G spot orgasm, and the G spot is a sensitive area of tissue in the vagina which, once awakened to sexual stimulation, can produce very pleasant waves of orgasmic energy. It's not better or worse than a clitoral orgasm, just different, and the two can occur together. We'll look at this issue in more detail later.

Women don't like porn

Well, it turns out women get just aroused physically as men looking when they look at porn, at least if vaginal lubrication is anything to go by. They may not feel mentally aroused, however, because the "connection" between them and their partner is missing.

A sexual woman can reach orgasm easily

This is in fact completely untrue. Whether a woman reaches orgasm depends to a large extent on whether she feels emotionally and physically safe and secure, and perhaps more than anything on whether or not she trusts her partner. Then again, women, like men, are different, and some will need much more physical stimulation than others to reach orgasm.

A "decent woman" never loses control during sex

A lot of women believe this is true, but there are an awful lot of men out there who wish they didn't! The myth of feminine sexual energy somehow being bad or even evil (certainly slutty) was based on a patriarchal society where female sexual energy was to be feared, and women were slaves to their husbands, who wanted them to be good mothers and companions. The truth is that among more enlightened cultures - like the Hindus - female sexual energy is revered, quite rightly, for its power, its quality to transform and the sheer joy it can bring to sex! Orgasms are a gift from the Gods! Come on girls, let your Goddess out! Stop being so restrained, and let go during sex!

Sexual fantasy is bad

No, it's only fantasy, a mental expression of sexual energy. It's normal and natural, and as long as it's not acted out it won't do any harm. (Sometimes even when it is acted out it won't do any harm!)

Other facts about sex - things which are true (not necessarily related to having an orgasm):

Men are equally responsible for safe sex and contraception
If barrier contraception (condom, cap, diaphragm) spoils sex for you, try the pill
If you don't get wet enough to enjoy sex, use a lube or spend more time on foreplay
A woman can be a whore in the bedroom and a Madonna outside it without shame, though it's better if she's balanced in all areas of her life
Men don't want a whore in the bedroom and a Madonna outside it; they want a loving, stable, emotionally receptive, and open relationship with a strong, sexually aware and uninhibited woman
Men sometimes like women to take the lead during sex
Men are not responsible for giving you an orgasm - it's your orgasm!
Men really like to see women orgasm - it excites them!
Men prefer sex with an aroused and involved woman
Men need encouraging to overcome premature ejaculation and prolong intercourse

The multi-orgasmic woman!

From About.com

The spiritual tradition of Taoism embraces our sexual desire as a force for healing and human spiritual growth. Sexual desire is a rich part of our human experience. The Taoists think of sexual energy or jing chi, as one part of our vital life energy, or chi. When you are passionate, you are full of chi. Desire or passion imply energy and fervor that includes sex, as well as energizing our strongest feelings about life. Being very passionate about our family, our work, our spirituality, a cause that means something to us, or indeed anything, means we invest our chi in this interest. Passion moves us to action; ultimately it gives us our sense of joy. We become passionate about what matters most to us.

We may speak of "getting horny" as if this was out of our control. But the powerful sexual energy of arousal is basic to our human condition. It can propel us to live very dynamic and productive lives. And because our sexual energy is so powerful, most religions have tried to control and restrict sexual behavior, especially that of women. Now we have to re-establish our connection with our sexual natures and desire as an essential part of recovering our personal power.

When you have reawakened your passion, and your sexual energy, a group of Healing Love practices, which are taught by Taoist master, Mantak Chia, can show you the way to direct and cultivate your sexual energy in order that you may benefit from its gifts. Our modern world is prey to ignorance about sexuality and the cultural exploitation of sexuality on the other. But Healing Love practices provide thousand-year-old wisdom about the best way to live fully in our bodies as the truly sexual beings we are. They also show the best way to use our passion to fully develop into person we want to be.

As you become expert at sensing and refined movement of your chi, you will find you can also move your sexual energy, or jing chi, along the same paths. And it is this facility to move your sexual energy that enables you to increase your sexual pleasure and intensify the power of your orgasms, regardless of your level of sexual experience. You can also change your sexual energy into chi, or life force, which provides a lot more energy in your life in general. When your chi is strong, and you manifest strong intention, your chi becomes spiritual energy, or shen.

Healing Love provides a set of practices which are rich and powerful enough to practice for hours a day, but are also flexible enough to allow you to energize your existence as well as helping to relieve any physical problems and emotional stress in only a few minutes. By contrast, the sexual practices may take a little time to fully understand and feel the results in your body, but they integrate into your sex and lovemaking with absolutely astounding results: you will feel more sexual pleasure, greater intimacy, and more vibrancy than you've ever experienced before.