How To Reach Orgasm During Sex Or Masturbation
How To Have An Orgasm
During Sex or Masturbation
Discovering the pleasure
of sexual self-touch
Sexual pleasure is both physical and
mental. What feels pleasurable to you is the combination of mental
imagery, sensations, beliefs, feelings and the physical pleasure you get
in your body. The physical pleasure of orgasm is felt in your body,
while the accompanying mental thoughts and feelings either add to or
detract from sexual arousal and pleasure.
Obviously many things contribute to
this combination of physical and emotional pleasure, and what exactly
this is for you will be a mixture of things unique to you. But do you
have any idea what goes into the mix for you? Are you aware of the ways
that you like to be touched that will give you pleasure? Do you have a
sense of the thoughts, images, fantasies and feelings which will help
you to feel sexually aroused?
Do you have a sense of how you like
to touch yourself to give yourself sexual pleasure?
If you aren't aware of these things,
then this exercise will help you understand what it is that gives you
sexual pleasure now, and will do so even more when you are less
conflicted about sex. There is nothing wrong with wanting to experience
pleasure, nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy the capacity for orgasms
that your body can give you.
Whatever lessons you were taught as a
child, overtly or covertly, the thing to keep in mind is that your body
is not just a vehicle for sexual pleasure for someone else, though it
may be very good at fulfilling that role. Your body is a vehicle for
your own physical pleasure, your own orgasms, and your own sexual
fulfillment.
Masturbation - or self-pleasuring -
is a great way to learn what kind of touch pleases you and arouses you
sexually. It's also a way of becoming more familiar with your body and
learning how to enjoy sex - and hopefully experiencing orgasms. You may
feel some shame or guilt around using the word masturbation, but the
message we would like to convey to you is that masturbation is normal,
natural, healthy and a very good thing! Apart from increasing awareness
of your own body, it can help you to enjoy sex with a partner since you
will be able to convey to your partner what pleases you and makes you
feel fulfilled during sex - as well as what is most likely to make you
orgasm.
Self-pleasuring to orgasm - or
masturbation - will make you more and more comfortable with orgasm and
more and more comfortable with sexual experiences. The more orgasms you
have, the more relaxed about sex you'll become, and you'll be able to
share these experiences of sexual arousal and orgasm with a partner more
easily.
You'll also experience a greater
sense of control over your own body, a fact which can be important if
this control was taken away from you by someone during childhood.
Greater ease with your body leads to greater control over your sexuality
and a greater likelihood of orgasm. Knowing that you are in charge of
your body is a powerful way of coming to enjoy sex more: you know that
if your body is your own territory, it's up to you who you share its
pleasures with - you are free to make an informed choice around sexual
issues.
To reassure you that masturbating is
normal, we should point out that a majority of adults masturbate, both
men and women. It's a healthy, normal and natural thing to do, a
supplement to sex, not a substitute. Married men and women masturbate,
as do single men and women, whether or not they enjoy good sex lives.
And in no way does masturbating make you abnormal, inadequate or a
sexual failure. Far from it - as we have already said, masturbation to
orgasm enhances your sex life; in fact masturbation makes it even easier
for you to enjoy your own orgasms since you have a greater sense of
control over your body, and you know what excites you sexually. Here are
some statistics from a survey of hundreds of women.
How women reach orgasm
When asked if they
masturbated, the responses were as follows:
82% of women masturbate
15% of women do not masturbate
3% of women didn't reply
Of the women who said they masturbated:
66.0% reached orgasm "always"
29.3% reached orgasm "sometimes"
3.0% reached orgasm "occasionally"
and just a few reached orgasm "rarely"
When requested to provide some details
about how they reached orgasm through masturbation, nearly all women said they masturbated by playing with their clitoris and
vulva:
73.0% played with their clitoris and/or vulva
while lying on their backs
5.5% did the same while lying on their stomachs
4.0% pressed or thrusted their clitoral/vulva area against a soft object such as
a pillow
3.0% pressed their thighs together rhythmically
2.0% used water massage from a shower head
1.5% used vaginal penetration exclusively to reach orgasm, and
11.0% of women used more than one of the above methods to masturbate
And if you're wondering how you compare in
terms of frequency of masturbation:
39% of women claimed to masturbate daily
61% said they masturbated once a week or less
When asked if they incorporated
vaginal penetration as part of masturbation, fewer
than five percent said they always engaged in vaginal penetration during masturbation;
about another ten to fifteen percent of the
respondents said that they did at least sometimes. These
women would put things in their vaginas for longer or shorter periods, often one
or two fingers, sometimes candles, other household objects, or sex toys. Sometimes
a woman would put her fingers in her vagina just to collect some of her natural lubrication
to apply to her vulva or clitoris while she masturbated. Sometimes the
penetration was brief, just at the moment of orgasm. Overall, the figures are
hard to analyze, but what is very clear is that overall, penetration is less important
than clitoral stimulation to the majority of women during masturbation. When
they do penetrate themselves, women tend to fall about 50:50 into the two camps
of moving the fingers or object in-and-out or putting it in and leaving it
there. A small number of women enjoyed anal penetration during masturbation.
These are the facts: if you
masturbate, you help yourself to achieve greater sexual pleasure with
your partner. You don't feel less desire for your partner because
there's no specific number of orgasms you need each week - which means
that masturbating will not make you want sex with your partner any less
than you do already. In fact masturbation is actually likely to make
your sex life better since we know that women who have no orgasmic
experience through masturbation find it difficult to become orgasmic
with their partners. You need to enjoy orgasms alone before you can
enjoy orgasms during sex with your partner (whatever that means, whether
intercourse, masturbation, or oral sex).
By the way - you won't become
dependent on masturbation for your orgasmic pleasure, either! Think of
it as an adjunct to your sex life, one that can greatly enhance your
sexual pleasure, and you can see how being able to masturbate to orgasm
is of great benefit to your sexual self-awareness.
Self- exploration -
masturbation
You're going to need about an hour
for this exercise. Start by enjoying something that makes you relax -
perhaps sunbathing, time in a hammock, or a warm bath. Set up a pleasant environment, using
music, scents or whatever decoration
you need to make yourself comfortable. Use oil as you touch yourself, or
anything which makes you feel more relaxed and luxurious: silk fabrics,
lotion, or whatever. Smooth the oil onto your body and gently run your
fingers over your body, feeling the sensuous touch as you touch skin
against skin. Play with your breasts, thighs, and belly. Try different
types of strokes and different ways of touching yourself. Get into the
touch - place your attention wherever your touch takes you. Enjoy the
sensations, and focus on them so you are not distracted.
Move your fingers down to your labia
and find your clitoris. Stroke gently around the area, doing whatever
feels best: you might like to run your fingers up and down your labia,
across the opening to your vagina, and then up and around your clitoris.
Experiment until you find something that works well for you. Try one or
both hands, perhaps with one hand touching or penetrating your vagina,
and the other playing with your clitoris. Try different pressures and
strokes; as you play with the sexual parts of your body, try touching
other, less sexual, areas at the same time. Focus on what feels good and
do more of it - and try and abandon yourself to the feelings, reveling
in the sense of pleasure that your body can give you. If you find that
you get tense as you try this, exhale deeply and let your body relax as
you do so. When you're ready, you can come back to the present......
Try to let go of any particular expectations, just allow yourself to
experience whatever you feel in your body. If you feel happy and
relaxed, that's enough. If you don't feel any pleasure at all, it's OK.
Just notice how different types of touch affect you, notice which you
like best and notice any different feelings in different areas. It's
also useful to try this exercise at different times of the month.
Women's responses to sexual and sensual touch can vary greatly according
to their hormonal cycle. Sometimes you may become aroused very quickly,
sometimes it takes ages. You might find that the same strokes and
movements can drive you wild at times but only feel gently pleasurable
at others. And there might be times when they do nothing for you and you
feel you really can't be bothered! This is normal. You may also find you
have a different response at different times of day. Listen to your body
and don't try to force anything.
If you have just tried this exercise
for the first time, take a few moments afterwards to think about how it
felt, and how you feel now. Did anything surprise you? Did you have
different sensations in different places? What did you enjoy? What
didn't feel good?
Were you conscious of feeling
pressured to get aroused? If so, next time remember to focus on the
sensations themselves rather than where you think they should be taking
you. Did you find the exercise repellent or upsetting in any way? Then
slow down and focus on relaxing more. Remember this is about you
learning about yourself and becoming more comfortable with your own
body. When you feel ready to try again, choose a quiet time when there's
no time pressure and you know you won't be disturbed. Do one of the
relaxation exercises first and aim to spend only a few moments touching
your body. Increase the time gradually as you become more comfortable
with the process.
If after several sessions you
continue to have negative feelings such as fear, shame or anger then
take some time to think about what these emotions might be telling you.
Perhaps there is a past experience or unpleasant memory influencing how
you feel and blocking the good feelings. Noticing and exploring these
negative feelings can help to take away their power. Name the feeling
and decide where in your body you feel it most. Imagine its shape and
colour in your mind. If you want to, you can draw a picture of it. Focus
on it in your body and in time you may feel it getting smaller and
weaker. If this process is really challenging you may want to try some
of the following ideas and activities to help it along.
SOME TECHNIQUES FOR EXAMINING AND CHANGING
NEGATIVE FEELINGS
1 Think again about the names
you have given to your negative feelings. Try to be specific and
accurate. For instance, do you feel revulsion or is it shame? Is it
shame or guilt? Is it shame about sex in general or a particular sexual
activity? The reason for doing this is that the more specifically you
can identify the feeling, the easier it is to change or diminish
it.
2 Think again about why these
feelings might be arising. Very often they originate from past events or
from childhood conditioning. In many families sex and genitals are taboo
subjects and the child learns that certain parts of their body are
unmentionable and to be kept hidden away. Since the female genitals are
less prominent than the male penis, many girl children grow up without
even knowing what this part of their body is called. Popular euphemisms
are "down there" or "down below". Did this give you
a negative view of your own genitals? Did parents, grandparents,
teachers or other children tell you that sex or genitals were
"dirty"? Were you punished or discouraged from touching your
own genitals when you were very young? Or is it not only sex but the
concept of pleasure that is difficult?
3 Now look again, as an adult,
at whatever beliefs your childhood experience gave you. Do you still
believe them? Do you feel they are really serving your best interest?
Does it really seem wrong to touch and explore your own body? Do you
really believe it is wrong to enjoy relaxation and pleasure? Is some
kind of fear holding you back, and if so is the fear rational or
irrational? If a close friend shared a similar problem with you, would
you advise them to hold on to their childhood patterning or gently
dismantle it?
4 Are you uncomfortable with
your body generally, or only with your sexual body? In either case, why
do you think that is? How does it affect your life?
5 You can develop an
affirmation (or more than one) to help you diminish the power which
these negative beliefs and emotions have over you. You can say the
affirmation (a positive statement) aloud each day, or write it out
several times. Saying it out loud to yourself while looking in the
mirror, morning and night, can be very effective. Give yourself a smile
too! If you use the affirmation every day for at least three weeks it is
likely that your brain will begin to shift the old negative
patterns.
Your affirmation(s) or positive
statement must be personal to you. It needs to contain positive
language, and it needs to be in the present tense. For instance, "I
appreciate and enjoy my body", not "I will be less negative
about my body". Here are some examples of affirmations to help you
develop your own.
"I am a grown adult and my body
is mine to enjoy and have control over."
"I am taking the first step
towards a more fulfilled life."
"My childhood experiences belong
to the past and I now choose to let them go."
"Exploring my body is natural.
Enjoying pleasure is natural."
"I am grown up and I choose to
reject my parents' fears and beliefs."
"I enjoy looking at my
face/hair/skin/eyes. It is also normal to enjoy all the other parts of
my body."
"My breasts, vulva and clitoris
show that I am a grown woman. They can give me and my partner a
lot of pleasure."
"The part of me that wants to
grow and change is more powerful than the old inhibited
part."
"It is my right as a grown woman
to enjoy pleasure through my body."
"The part of me that's negative is gradually fading, and the part
of me that wants to grow and change is getting stronger."
The next step on the road to orgasm -
discovering the pleasure of masturbation
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