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HOW TO BE ORGASMIC!

How to be orgasmic! Part 9

How To Have An Orgasm During Sex or Masturbation

The next step in becoming orgasmic - More about discovering the pleasure of self touch

Suggestions about how you can get greater pleasure from self-touching

Change is a gradual process. If you've been practicing the exercises from the last section you might now feel you've made a lot of progress. You might have discovered places on your body that feel good, and ways to touch them that are very pleasurable. On the other hand, you might feel that nothing has changed and nothing you've done has resulted in the pleasure you want. But change happens in many subtle ways, and some processes begin imperceptibly. (Think about how you begin to lose weight through changes in the body before it shows on the scales, or how a seed begins to grow before the leaves push up through the earth.) Your process of change is unique and it doesn't matter if it takes time. Sometimes the changes that come about more slowly are the ones that last.

Quite likely you'll have experienced something between the two: times when you begin to enjoy new or more intense sensations and times when nothing seems right. That's normal, and it's part of being a woman. Try to develop an ability to enjoy the good times and not worry about the difficult ones. Even if you're not feeling any particular pleasure but you are feeling more comfortable with the idea of touching yourself, that is progress. Above all, you're learning more about yourself.

Blockages to Arousal

Every difficult or challenging experience is actually just an opportunity to learn something. If you find it hard to get in the mood sometimes, have a think about why that is. Have you had a stressful day? Did something happen which affected you emotionally? Is there something which is stopping you feeling good about yourself? Are you short of time? Are you angry about something? Do you have PMT? Understanding the things that affect you is really helpful, because sex - with yourself as well as with someone else - rarely works well if you're stressed. So at these times do something else which helps you relax and feel better. And ironically sometimes taking the pressure off means you might be more in the mood later! You can also learn to tune into your own arousal signals. For some women, touching their nipples to see how sensitive they are gives them a good indication of whether they are likely to get aroused or not. 

If you do feel in the mood and begin to caress yourself, sometimes you will reach a point where the sensations seem to slow down or stop. This is also a great learning opportunity. What interrupted the process for you? Were you worried about being disturbed? Did your mind wander onto more everyday matters? Did your clitoris become too sensitive and need a rest? Did the same movement become boring and cease to stimulate you? It is really normal for even the most sexually aroused woman to reach stages like a 'plateau' and need to rest for a few moments. If you have a partner this is something you can teach them too! It can be much more sexy if they vary the way they touch you, and take a little break every so often. 

If you are really becoming very aroused then it can be a little bit frustrating to reach a 'plateau', where suddenly the sensation begins to die away. Don't worry! It will always come back (unless you are really too tired or over-stressed) and in fact taking a short break may bring the sensation back even stronger than before. Sometimes at this point women use their fantasies to re-generate arousal. 

What if nothing much is happening?

If your practice so far has been pretty neutral, with no pleasurable feelings but perhaps some new sensations, do continue. Be gentle with yourself and expect it to take time. Sexual and sensual pleasure needs both the body and mind to be relaxed and in harmony, and this may be a very new experience for some people. For some women sex has been something which someone else does to them, or which they do because someone else wants it. Putting yourself in the control seat and allowing your body to feel really good, when you really want to, is bound to be a gradual process. Take your time, and also choose your time. Vary your practice at different times of day, and different days of the week. Everyone has a different body clock and you might be surprised at how you respond in the morning compared to at night (or vice versa). Remember to stroke and massage your whole body, not just your genitals. Experience the different sensations and don't feel the need to label them. Be kind to yourself: this is not about success or failure. It's more like a journey where you'll pass through many different places. Provided what you're doing is not painful or intensely upsetting, continue your practice and see what develops. It may help you to think of this process as sensual awakening, rather than sexual growth.

Focusing on the Positive 

After your next session of self-touching, ask yourself a few questions. What did you enjoy most? What did you find least enjoyable? What surprised you or was unexpected? Did you prefer stroking your body on or around your genital area, or away from the genitals? What made you feel most relaxed? Did anything make you feel aroused? The answers to these questions will give you clues for your next session. For example, if you find you prefer touching your breasts and stomach rather than your vulva and clitoris, then stay there and enjoy it for as long as you want. Women are lucky in having many erogenous zones in non-obvious places. Self-pleasuring is exactly that: finding out what pleases you, as an individual. Whether it's the back of the neck, the belly, the hips or the inner thighs doesn't matter. Enjoy whatever sensual pleasure is happening, relax and let the good feelings flow. This is enjoyable in itself and also an important step towards experiencing orgasm.    

Reservations and Inhibitions 

Sexually experienced people know that sex is not just about the body and its responses. Some would even go as far as to say that it's all in the mind!  For that reason, if at the back of your mind or deep in your psyche there is some feeling that masturbation (or sex generally) is wrong or even sinful, it will be much more difficult to relax and feel pleasure, or to feel good afterwards. If you know you were taught this when young and you feel it is a serious block to your sexual or self-pleasuring enjoyment then it could be very helpful to talk to a therapist and try to resolve some of the issues. 

It can also help to remember that sex is just part of normal adult human existence. Our bodies are naturally sexual. The reason that people have hang-ups about sex is that it is often a taboo subject in the family. Most of us were given negative or mixed messages about sex and the sexual part of our bodies as we grew up. Think about what other messages you were given by your parents and teachers about life in general. Have you accepted all their beliefs wholesale? Or have you adapted some of them to suit your own beliefs and values, or even rebelled and rejected those old-fashioned ideas completely?  Many of the old ideas about sex stemmed from fear and ignorance. Your parents did what they thought was right, but your body is your own and your life is your own. It is important to nurture in yourself the beliefs that help you grow as a person. Perhaps you can visualize wrapping up those old inhibiting beliefs in a parcel - like a set of outgrown clothes - and handing them back or putting them aside now you no longer need them. 

Your body is unique, and you alone have the right to touch it! In time you may come to see self-pleasuring as a wonderful celebration of your body. Even if you have reservations, try to continue your sessions with a focus on relaxation and self-exploration rather than purely sexual arousal. In this way, sexual pleasure when it happens will be a pure and natural continuation of tension release and sensual enjoyment. If you realize you have inhibitions about other forms of pleasure too (perhaps feeling it is sinful to enjoy yourself in any way or that you should think of others not yourself) try to gradually do more things you enjoy in life generally. You will begin to realize that the happier you are, the better this is not only for yourself but for everyone else around you.

The Power of the Mind: Finding your Favorite Fantasies 

When you start to experience pleasure and arousal in your sessions, you may find erotic images or daydreams coming into your mind which in turn increase your excitement. This is normal for many people though not everyone. Don't worry if some of the ideas that most excite you are not what you might expect or what you might choose consciously. This is your unconscious mind, which can play a huge part in sexual arousal and orgasm. Many women feel shocked or guilty about their fantasies: for instance they may fantasize about being forced or raped even though in reality this would be a terrible experience, or they may find themselves thinking about having sex with a film star or someone else's boyfriend. Or being caressed by a woman, even though they have no lesbian tendencies. Or being filmed during sex, or having sex out of doors. This is the dream-world, not reality. Feel free to let your mind wander and explore what most turns you on. You don't have to share this with anyone. (If you have a partner, however, it can be exciting to share and even act out some fantasies, if it feels comfortable for you to do so.) The book My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday is a wonderful collection of fantasies collected from real women. It is worth a read if only to understand the huge variety of women's fantasies - and you might even find a new one that turns you on!

You may also feel drawn to books or films with an erotic content. For many people this can be a good way of getting in the mood for sexual pleasure. Some people may like something quite explicit while for others a scene from a romantic novel may suffice. For tasteful erotica (and ideas for self-pleasuring) try looking at the websites

I Feel Myself and Beautiful Agony

We would like to emphasize at this point that feeling turned on by erotic material is a normal part of being human. There's nothing wrong with this, provided that the material which you find arousing is tasteful and respectful of women. It is a sad fact that much of the pornography on the internet is abusive at worst, or disrespectful at best, towards women. Clearly, we do not recommend that you seek out this material! The films of Candida Royalle at Femme Productions are designed specifically for women, and you may find these tasteful films with romantic and sexual themes to be highly arousing.

Oddly enough, some women who are opening themselves up to their erotic and sensuous nature find it hard to recognize their own arousal. Experiments conducted in the 1970s demonstrated that women will become aroused almost as quickly as men when they watch a film of two people making love, at least if you measure arousal by vaginal lubrication. However, when questioned, many of these women reported that they did not feel in the least aroused mentally. This probably reflects the fact that it has traditionally not been seen as acceptable for women to enjoy erotic materials. It may also reflect the fact that a lot of women simply do not recognize the signs of arousal in their own bodies.

Again that we would like to emphasize that this is completely normal and natural when you are beginning to become more aware of your sexuality. You may even find it necessary to move your attention from the erotic material you are reading or watching to your own body before you can identify whether or not you feel aroused. Things to look for include vaginal lubrication, nipple erection, throbbing in your genital region, and mentally feeling sexual aroused -  whatever form that takes for you. For example, if you have found yourself fantasizing or having unexpected sexual thoughts, could this be a sign of your sexual arousal?

It's important to remember that even if you have reservations about masturbation, it's only by continuing with these exercises that you will become comfortable with your sensuousness nature and your sexuality. This is why we encourage you to focus on the potential benefits of self pleasuring.

These potential benefits include greater relaxation, greater pleasure, and greater connection with your own body. So at this point we would like you to consider what it was that gave you the greatest pleasure when you were stimulating yourself. For example, did you notice that different kinds of movements, or different pressures, or different rhythms, gave you the most pleasure? Learning all about your body and what gives you the greatest pleasure is an essential part of becoming a fully sexual woman.

And of course this does not apply only to your genitals. When you are stroking, caressing, or touching other parts of your body, you will also find that different strokes give you different feelings, pleasure, and a different experience.

One of the biggest concerns that women experience when they are learning to self-stimulate is whether or not they are feeling sexual arousal. However this is actually very unhelpful to the process of becoming more sexually aware, because you begin to "watch" your own feelings and responses, and you become a spectator rather than being fully engaged in the process.

If you find that this is happening to you, simply bring your attention back to what is happening inside your body. Try and bring your attention to the places where you are touching yourself; and every time you find your attention wandering, simply bring it back to focus on the feeling you get where you are touching yourself.

You probably realize that not every session of self-pleasuring will be the same.  On occasions you will be frustrated and think that your progress is too slow.  On other occasions you will be delighted at the progress you believe you are making. This is exactly the way the personal growth happens, and it is important not to criticize yourself if you feel that you are not making the progress that you would wish to do so. It's also extremely helpful not to compare sessions. Each session is what it is.

Of course, it's easy for us to say this, while in practice you may find that self-criticism becomes quite a problem. We therefore encourage you to focus on the positives after each session, and to remind yourself about the things that you did well. You may, initially, have to remind yourself of these things rather frequently! Such self-criticism takes a little time to die down.

So, for example, even feeling just a little bit more comfortable about self-touching, especially about touching your genitals, is something positive and rewarding. The important thing is to focus on the positive, and to congratulate yourself on your success, rather than beating yourself up about the things that didn't go as you would have wished.

Having said that, you can also learn from the sessions that didn't go very well. For example, were you distracted by things that you have to do for your friends and family?  If so, try and choose a time when you know that there will be no pressure or demands on you, and when you are able to allocate time solely for your own relaxation and self-pleasuring exercises.

How to enjoy yourself pleasuring more

The first technique that you can use to help yourself enjoy your self-pleasuring exercises more is relaxation. Relaxation allows you to get more in touch with your body, and to break down any muscular tension which you may be using as a defensive shield against the thoughts and feelings that make you uncomfortable.  As you learn to relax, you will discover more and more areas of your body in which you're holding muscular tension - this will include the areas around your genitals, areas which you may cut off from your awareness because of their historical associations with unpleasant or unacceptable sexual feelings or experiences.

Learning to relax, and to apply the relaxation exercises twice a day for as little as fifteen minutes each time, will enable you to develop very much greater connection with your body, and so help your sensuous development progress at a faster rate.

Relaxation exercise - read all about it here

The next way in which you can help yourself become more comfortable with your body and self-pleasuring exercises is to simply imitate some of the movements that are associated with sexual arousal!

When you overcome your inhibitions about moving your body in this way you may well be surprised at how much these movements and your sense of arousal, eroticism, and sensuousness increases. Simply do this as part of yourself pleasuring exercises, when you have private time and no-one will observe you.  It's important that you are comfortable with these exercises before you begin to share them with your partner.

One: Rock your pelvis backwards and forwards, and up and down.  This, of course, is one of the basic movements of intercourse - the thrusting movement of the pelvis.  Really practicing this movement can loosen up your sexual responses and get the energy flowing around your genital and pelvic area.

Two: Arch your back and thrust your hips and pelvis upwards as though you were meeting your lover as he thrusts downwards and into you.

Three: Bring your knees up to your chest, spread your legs and rock gently, imagining, if you wish, that your lover is making love to you and you are holding him firmly in an embrace between your legs.

Four: Bend forward from a standing position so that the upper part of your body is horizontal. Move your hips in a sensuous swaying movement as though you are enticing your lover to enter you from behind. Now move your hips backwards and forwards as though you are engaging in intercourse with your lover standing behind you. Remember that you only need to do as much or as little of this exercise as is comfortable to you, but you may find that practicing these movements makes you feel more sensuous and sexy, and raises your curiosity about how it would feel to move your body in this way during sex.

A great way of becoming more comfortable with your body is to try Belly Dancing, which is the ultimate in female sensual dance. It's actually a very sensual - if not sexual - expression of feminine grace and femininity. You can read all about the art of Belly Dancing here Belly dancing and here Belly dancing with Shira.

We have also mentioned Sensate Focus as a way to get greater comfort and pleasure with your body. Please look at the information on this link and read how sensate focus can help you in your quest for greater sexual pleasure. Read all about Sensate Focus here.

Sexual Fantasy

We mentioned above that sexual fantasy can be a crucial part of learning to feel more sensuous and sexy. Two excellent books which will help you to understand the importance of fantasy in women's sexual lives - and thereby in your own sexual life - are My Secret Garden or Forbidden Flowers, both by Nancy Friday. These are collections of women's fantasies. As you read them you will discover more about what turns you on, about what you like and you do not like, and about the themes and ideas that make you feel sexual.

Bear in mind that there is no right or wrong as far as fantasy is concerned: fantasy is just that - fantasy. It's kept inside your head, it is private, and although you may eventually choose to act it out with sexual partner, for the most part, fantasy is your private world, where you can do what you wish, with whom you want, whenever you like, and in whatever way you desire.

Pornography and erotica are not inherently bad.  Whether or not they are morally correct is a decision that each individual must make. Where you draw the line about what is acceptable to you, and what is perverse to you, is based on your judgments and beliefs, and they will inevitably change over time.  The same is true of course of your fantasies.

In this context we would just like to point out a study conducted by research scientists. This study demonstrated that some of the happiest sexual relationships are those in which the two participants fantasized about having sex with other people whilst making love to their own partner!

One problem with fantasy is that you may come across something you find highly arousing which is actually based on an idea you find unacceptable. This might, for example, include your becoming aroused by the idea of forced sex or humiliation during sex. It's possible that such connections represent a link you have made between negative past experiences and sex; hopefully you will find that as you become more comfortable with your sexuality these fantasies and thoughts fade and are replaced by other new sexual fantasies. If they do not fade, and continue to trouble you unduly, then you might wish to talk them through with a sexual therapist. Often such fantasies will disappear with a little discussion or when they are exposed to your conscious awareness.

Ways to increase your enjoyment of fantasy

Remember that your fantasy does not have to be a complete sexual story! It can be a quick word, thought, feeling, or image in your mind. Even the flash of some brief thought about sexy clothing can signal a fantasy. Furthermore, your fantasy does not have to be explicitly sexual. It can be romantic, sensuous, loving....whatever you wish.

You can also blend your reality - for example, when touching yourself - with your fantasy - for example, imagining that it is your partner's hands which are touching you as you play with your own genitals.

The next step

Have five or six sessions over the next fortnight in which you use enjoy your fantasies, some erotic material, sensate focus, and relaxation exercises. Try one or two of these  techniques during each self-pleasuring session so you begin to understand which are most useful for you.

The next step on the road to orgasm
 

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