How to be
How To Have An Orgasm
During Sex or Masturbation
The next step in
becoming orgasmic - More about discovering the pleasure of self touch
Suggestions about how you can get
greater pleasure from self-touching
Change is a gradual process. If
you've been practicing the exercises from the last section you might now
feel you've made a lot of progress. You might have discovered places on
your body that feel good, and ways to touch them that are very
On the other hand, you might feel
that nothing has changed and nothing you've done has resulted in the
pleasure you want. But change happens in many subtle ways, and some
processes begin imperceptibly.
(Think about how you begin to lose
weight through changes in the body before it shows on the scales, or how
a seed begins to grow before the leaves push up through the earth.) Your
process of change is unique and it doesn't matter if it takes time.
Sometimes the changes that come about more slowly are the ones that
Quite likely you'll have experienced
something between the two: times when you begin to enjoy new or more
intense sensations and times when nothing seems right. That's normal,
and it's part of being a woman.
Try to develop an ability to enjoy
the good times and not worry about the difficult ones. Even if you're
not feeling any particular pleasure but you are feeling more comfortable
with the idea of touching yourself, that is progress. Above all, you're
learning more about yourself.
Blockages to Arousal
Every difficult or challenging
experience is actually just an opportunity to learn something. If you
find it hard to get in the mood sometimes, have a think about why that
Have you had a stressful day? Did
something happen which affected you emotionally? Is there something
which is stopping you feeling good about yourself? Are you short of
time? Are you angry about something? Do you have PMT?
Understanding the things that affect
you is really helpful, because sex - with yourself as well as with
someone else - rarely works well if you're stressed. So at these times
do something else which helps you relax and feel better.
And ironically sometimes taking the
pressure off means you might be more in the mood later! You can also
learn to tune into your own arousal signals. For some women, touching
their nipples to see how sensitive they are gives them a good indication
of whether they are likely to get aroused or not.
If you do feel in the mood and begin
to caress yourself, sometimes you will reach a point where the
sensations seem to slow down or stop. This is also a great learning
opportunity. What interrupted the process for you? Were you worried
about being disturbed? Did your mind wander onto more everyday matters?
Did your clitoris become too
sensitive and need a rest? Did the same movement become boring and cease
to stimulate you? It is really normal for even the most sexually aroused
woman to reach stages like a 'plateau' and need to rest for a few
moments. If you have a partner this is something you can teach them too!
It can be much more sexy if they vary the way they touch you, and take a
little break every so often.
If you are really becoming very
aroused then it can be a little bit frustrating to reach a 'plateau',
where suddenly the sensation begins to die away. Don't worry! It will
always come back (unless you are really too tired or over-stressed) and
in fact taking a short break may bring the sensation back even stronger
than before. Sometimes at this point women use their fantasies to
What if nothing much is happening?
If your practice so far has been
pretty neutral, with no pleasurable feelings but perhaps some new
sensations, do continue.
Be gentle with yourself and expect it
to take time. Sexual and sensual pleasure needs both the body and mind
to be relaxed and in harmony, and this may be a very new experience for
For some women sex has been something
which someone else does to them, or which they do because someone else
wants it. Putting yourself in the control seat and allowing your body to
feel really good, when you really want to, is bound to be a gradual
Take your time, and also choose your
time. Vary your practice at different times of day, and different days
of the week. Everyone has a different body clock and you might be
surprised at how you respond in the morning compared to at night (or
vice versa). Remember to stroke and massage your whole body, not just
Experience the different sensations
and don't feel the need to label them. Be kind to yourself: this is not
about success or failure. It's more like a journey where you'll pass
through many different places. Provided what you're doing is not painful
or intensely upsetting, continue your practice and see what develops. It
may help you to think of this process as sensual awakening, rather than
Focusing on the Positive
After your next session of
self-touching, ask yourself a few questions. What did you enjoy most?
What did you find least enjoyable? What surprised you or was unexpected?
Did you prefer stroking your body on or around your genital area, or
away from the genitals? What made you feel most relaxed? Did anything
make you feel aroused? The answers to these questions will give you
clues for your next session.
For example, if you find you prefer
touching your breasts and stomach rather than your vulva and clitoris,
then stay there and enjoy it for as long as you want. Women are lucky in
having many erogenous zones in non-obvious places. Self-pleasuring is
exactly that: finding out what pleases you, as an individual. Whether
it's the back of the neck, the belly, the hips or the inner thighs
Enjoy whatever sensual pleasure is
happening, relax and let the good feelings flow. This is enjoyable in
itself and also an important step towards experiencing orgasm.
Reservations and Inhibitions
Sexually experienced people know that
sex is not just about the body and its responses. Some would even go as
far as to say that it's all in the mind! For that reason, if at
the back of your mind or deep in your psyche there is some feeling that
masturbation (or sex generally) is wrong or even sinful, it will be much
more difficult to relax and feel pleasure, or to feel good afterwards.
If you know you were taught this when
young and you feel it is a serious block to your sexual or
self-pleasuring enjoyment then it could be very helpful to talk to a
therapist and try to resolve some of the issues.
It can also help to remember that sex
is just part of normal adult human existence. Our bodies are naturally
sexual. The reason that people have hang-ups about sex is that it is
often a taboo subject in the family.
Most of us were given negative or
mixed messages about sex and the sexual part of our bodies as we grew
up. Think about what other messages you were given by your parents and
teachers about life in general.
Have you accepted all their beliefs
wholesale? Or have you adapted some of them to suit your own beliefs and
values, or even rebelled and rejected those old-fashioned ideas
completely? Many of the old ideas about sex stemmed from fear and
Your parents did what they thought
was right, but your body is your own and your life is your own. It is
important to nurture in yourself the beliefs that help you grow as a
Perhaps you can visualize wrapping up
those old inhibiting beliefs in a parcel - like a set of outgrown
clothes - and handing them back or putting them aside now you no longer
Your body is unique, and you alone
have the right to touch it! In time you may come to see self-pleasuring
as a wonderful celebration of your body. Even if you have reservations,
try to continue your sessions with a focus on relaxation and
self-exploration rather than purely sexual arousal.
In this way, sexual pleasure when it
happens will be a pure and natural continuation of tension release and
If you realize you have inhibitions
about other forms of pleasure too (perhaps feeling it is sinful to enjoy
yourself in any way or that you should think of others not yourself) try
to gradually do more things you enjoy in life generally.
You will begin to realize that the
happier you are, the better this is not only for yourself but for
everyone else around you.
The Power of the Mind: Finding your
When you start to experience pleasure
and arousal in your sessions, you may find erotic images or daydreams
coming into your mind which in turn increase your excitement. This is
normal for many people though not everyone.
Don't worry if some of the ideas that
most excite you are not what you might expect or what you might choose
This is your unconscious mind, which
can play a huge part in sexual arousal and orgasm. Many women feel
shocked or guilty about their fantasies: for instance they may fantasize
about being forced or raped even though in reality this would be a
terrible experience, or they may find themselves thinking about having
sex with a film star or someone else's boyfriend.
Or being caressed by a woman, even
though they have no lesbian tendencies. Or being filmed during sex, or
having sex out of doors. This is the dream-world, not reality. Feel free
to let your mind wander and explore what most turns you on. You don't
have to share this with anyone. (If you have a partner, however, it can
be exciting to share and even act out some fantasies, if it feels
comfortable for you to do so.)
The book My Secret Garden by
Nancy Friday is a wonderful collection of fantasies collected from real
women. It is worth a read if only to understand the huge variety of
women's fantasies - and you might even find a new one that turns you on!
You may also feel drawn to books or
films with an erotic content. For many people this can be a good way of
getting in the mood for sexual pleasure. Some people may like something
quite explicit while for others a scene from a romantic novel may
suffice. For tasteful erotica (and ideas for self-pleasuring) try
looking at the websites
Myself and Beautiful Agony
We would like to emphasize at this
point that feeling turned on by erotic material is a normal part of
being human. There's nothing wrong with this, provided that the material
which you find arousing is tasteful and respectful of women.
It is a sad fact that much of the
pornography on the internet is abusive at worst, or disrespectful at
best, towards women.
Clearly, we do not recommend
that you seek out this material! The films of Candida Royalle at Femme
Productions are designed specifically for women, and you may find these
tasteful films with romantic and sexual themes to be highly arousing.
Oddly enough, some women who are
opening themselves up to their erotic and sensuous nature find it hard
to recognize their own arousal.
Experiments conducted in the 1970s
demonstrated that women will become aroused almost as quickly as men
when they watch a film of two people making love, at least if you
measure arousal by vaginal lubrication.
However, when questioned, many of
these women reported that they did not feel in the least aroused
mentally. This probably reflects the fact that it has traditionally not
been seen as acceptable for women to enjoy erotic materials.
It may also reflect the fact that a
lot of women simply do not recognize the signs of arousal in their own
Again that we would like to emphasize
that this is completely normal and natural when you are beginning to
become more aware of your sexuality.
You may even find it necessary to
move your attention from the erotic material you are reading or watching
to your own body before you can identify whether or not you feel
Things to look for include vaginal
lubrication, nipple erection, throbbing in your genital region, and
mentally feeling sexual aroused - whatever form that takes for
you. For example, if you have found yourself fantasizing or having
unexpected sexual thoughts, could this be a sign of your sexual arousal?
It's important to remember that even
if you have reservations about masturbation, it's only by continuing
with these exercises that you will become comfortable with your
sensuousness nature and your sexuality. This is why we encourage you to
focus on the potential benefits of self pleasuring.
These potential benefits include
greater relaxation, greater pleasure, and greater connection with your
So at this point we would like you to
consider what it was that gave you the greatest pleasure when you were
stimulating yourself. For example, did you notice that different kinds
of movements, or different pressures, or different rhythms, gave you the
most pleasure? Learning all about your body and what gives you the
greatest pleasure is an essential part of becoming a fully sexual woman.
And of course this does not apply
only to your genitals. When you are stroking, caressing, or touching
other parts of your body, you will also find that different strokes give
you different feelings, pleasure, and a different experience.
One of the biggest concerns that
women experience when they are learning to self-stimulate is whether or
not they are feeling sexual arousal.
However this is actually very
unhelpful to the process of becoming more sexually aware, because you
begin to "watch" your own feelings and responses, and you become a
spectator rather than being fully engaged in the process.
If you find that this is happening to you,
simply bring your attention back to what is happening inside your body.
Try and bring your attention to the places where you are touching
yourself; and every time you find your attention wandering, simply bring
it back to focus on the feeling you get where you are touching yourself.
You probably realize that not every
session of self-pleasuring will be the same. On occasions you will
be frustrated and think that your progress is too slow. On other
occasions you will be delighted at the progress you believe you are
This is exactly the way the personal
growth happens, and it is important not to criticize yourself if you
feel that you are not making the progress that you would wish to do so.
It's also extremely helpful not to compare sessions. Each session is
what it is.
Of course, it's easy for us to say
this, while in practice you may find that self-criticism becomes quite a
problem. We therefore encourage you to focus on the positives after each
session, and to remind yourself about the things that you did well.
You may, initially, have to remind
yourself of these things rather frequently! Such self-criticism takes a
little time to die down.
So, for example, even feeling just a
little bit more comfortable about self-touching, especially about
touching your genitals, is something positive and rewarding. The
important thing is to focus on the positive, and to congratulate
yourself on your success, rather than beating yourself up about the
things that didn't go as you would have wished.
Having said that, you can also learn from the sessions that didn't go
very well. For example, were you distracted by things that you have to
do for your friends and family? If so, try and choose a time when
you know that there will be no pressure or demands on you, and when you
are able to allocate time solely for your own relaxation and
How to enjoy yourself pleasuring more
The first technique that you can use
to help yourself enjoy your self-pleasuring exercises more is
relaxation. Relaxation allows you to get more in touch with your body,
and to break down any muscular tension which you may be using as a
defensive shield against the thoughts and feelings that make you
As you learn to relax, you will
discover more and more areas of your body in which you're holding
muscular tension - this will include the areas around your genitals,
areas which you may cut off from your awareness because of their
historical associations with unpleasant or unacceptable sexual feelings
Learning to relax, and to apply the
relaxation exercises twice a day for as little as fifteen minutes each
time, will enable you to develop very much greater connection with your
body, and so help your sensuous development progress at a faster rate.
The next way in which you can help
yourself become more comfortable with your body and self-pleasuring
exercises is to simply imitate some of the movements that are associated
with sexual arousal!
When you overcome your inhibitions
about moving your body in this way you may well be surprised at how much
these movements and your sense of arousal, eroticism, and sensuousness
increases. Simply do this as part of yourself pleasuring exercises, when
you have private time and no-one will observe you. It's important
that you are comfortable with these exercises before you begin to share
them with your partner.
One: Rock your pelvis backwards and
forwards, and up and down. This, of course, is one of the basic
movements of intercourse - the thrusting movement of the pelvis.
Really practicing this movement can loosen up your sexual responses and
get the energy flowing around your genital and pelvic area.
Two: Arch your back and thrust your
hips and pelvis upwards as though you were meeting your lover as he
thrusts downwards and into you.
Three: Bring your knees up to your
chest, spread your legs and rock gently, imagining, if you wish, that
your lover is making love to you and you are holding him firmly in an
embrace between your legs.
Four: Bend forward from a standing
position so that the upper part of your body is horizontal. Move your
hips in a sensuous swaying movement as though you are enticing your
lover to enter you from behind. Now move your hips backwards and
forwards as though you are engaging in intercourse with your lover
standing behind you.
Remember that you only need to do as
much or as little of this exercise as is comfortable to you, but you may
find that practicing these movements makes you feel more sensuous and
sexy, and raises your curiosity about how it would feel to move your
body in this way during sex.
A great way of becoming more
comfortable with your body is to try Belly Dancing, which is the
ultimate in female sensual dance. It's actually a very sensual - if not
sexual - expression of feminine grace and femininity. You can read all
about the art of Belly Dancing here Belly dancing with Shira.
We have also mentioned Sensate Focus
as a way to get greater comfort and pleasure with your body.
We mentioned above that sexual
fantasy can be a crucial part of learning to feel more sensuous and
sexy. Two excellent books which will help you to understand the
importance of fantasy in women's sexual lives - and thereby in your own
sexual life - are My Secret Garden or Forbidden Flowers, both by Nancy
These are collections of women's
fantasies. As you read them you will discover more about what turns you
on, about what you like and you do not like, and about the themes and
ideas that make you feel sexual.
Bear in mind that there is no right
or wrong as far as fantasy is concerned: fantasy is just that - fantasy.
It's kept inside your head, it is private, and although you may
eventually choose to act it out with sexual partner, for the most part,
fantasy is your private world, where you can do what you wish, with whom
you want, whenever you like, and in whatever way you desire.
Pornography and erotica are not
inherently bad. Whether or not they are morally correct is a
decision that each individual must make. Where you draw the line about
what is acceptable to you, and what is perverse to you, is based on your
judgments and beliefs, and they will inevitably change over time.
The same is true of course of your fantasies.
In this context we would just like to
point out a study conducted by research scientists. This study
demonstrated that some of the happiest sexual relationships are those in
which the two participants fantasized about having sex with other people
whilst making love to their own partner!
One problem with fantasy is that you
may come across something you find highly arousing which is actually
based on an idea you find unacceptable. This might, for example, include
your becoming aroused by the idea of forced sex or humiliation during
It's possible that such connections
represent a link you have made between negative past experiences and
sex; hopefully you will find that as you become more comfortable with
your sexuality these fantasies and thoughts fade and are replaced by
other new sexual fantasies. If they do not fade, and continue to trouble
you unduly, then you might wish to talk them through with a sexual
therapist. Often such fantasies will disappear with a little discussion
or when they are exposed to your conscious awareness.
Ways to increase your enjoyment of
Remember that your fantasy does not
have to be a complete sexual story! It can be a quick word, thought,
feeling, or image in your mind. Even the flash of some brief thought
about sexy clothing can signal a fantasy. Furthermore, your fantasy does
not have to be explicitly sexual. It can be romantic, sensuous,
loving....whatever you wish.
You can also blend your reality - for
example, when touching yourself - with your fantasy - for example,
imagining that it is your partner's hands which are touching you as you
play with your own genitals.
The next step
Have five or six sessions over the next
fortnight in which you
use enjoy your fantasies, some erotic material, sensate focus, and relaxation exercises.
Try one or two of these techniques during each self-pleasuring session
so you begin to understand which are most useful for you.
How to have an orgasm - home page ]
[ Caressing A Partner to turn them on sexually ] [ Genital caresses to excite your partner ] [ Sex After 50 - Important Information for Women ] [ How to relax ] [ How to climax - ways to have an orgasm during sexual intercourse ] [ Learning how to reach orgasm - becoming orgasmic through masturbation ]